What Do I Want

It would seem that the cool thing to do these days is to exude some sense of superiority by preaching on the subject of "not happy? then stop complaining and do something about it".

It is not the concept itself that poses a problem to me. I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want. Jenn, what would make you happy? If you could do ANY job after university, what would you want to do? My problem is that I just honestly don't know. I've thought and thought and can come up with NOTHING that I would be happy getting up each morning to do. While there are a handful of things I like doing in my every day life, there's just nothing that I'm PASSIONATE enough about to want to pursue on the level of dedication that would lead to a career.

I'll be lying in bed in one of those "just one of those days" moods and I'll say to myself "screw responsibilities for a second, WHAT would make you feel happy RIGHT NOW? Indulge with the junk food? Chill with a favourite tv show? How about if the boy of your dreams was here holding you right now, would THAT make you happy?" And.. the answer is.. not really.

I understand that if I want change I have to make it happen, I understand that if I'm not happy, only I can change that. But you see.. before I can make changes.. I have to know what I want to change.. and for some reason these days I honestly just do not know what there is that will make me happy. I don't know what I want.

It's.. killing me. I am an EXTREMELY goal oriented person, I thrive under the pressures of needing to achieve a particular goal by a particular time. Problem is.. I can't figure out what my goals are anymore! School is starting to suffer.. I'm finding that I'm not motivated to do well in school anymore because it's leading me NO WHERE. My education right now is to absolutely no particular end. Maybe this degree will end up a waste of money? I've gone to 3 out of 8 classes this week. And that is really really unlike me.

Not knowing what I want from life terrifies me. Not knowing what I want to do after I leave the security blanket of school terrifies me. Not knowing how to find the answers to these questions terrifies me.

I've had it in my head for some time that one summer I want to do the OSAP Explore program in Quebec, and that another summer I want to do the ISV program (International Student Volunteers) and go somewhere cool like Thailand or Costa Rica.. but I've been asking myself.. will this actually make you happy? Will you actually ENJOY doing these things or do you just feel like you SHOULD enjoy doing these things? The answer is.. I don't know. Or, no, I probably wouldn't be very happy being away from home.

My life is kind of crumbling in my hands.. I WANT my life to have meaning and purpose and I WANT to make a difference and contribute to society, I want my presence to be worth something. I don't want to be here in this life just to wait for the next day so that I can wait for the next day, I don't want to live a life with no sense of purpose and no sense of goal. But beyond.. wanting to want something.. I'm stuck.

How do I figure out what will make me happy when I've got nothing to go on?


Well, on a completely different subject, Mark called me up wanting to watch Gilmore Girls, so he came over last night (good times, the commercial where everything is made of chocolate lead to a conversation about what if the world were made of candy which, to make a long story short lead to bike riding to Dominion and back and then getting stoned and eating rice krispie squares hot out of the bowl lol) and I realized something..
OK for about the past half year I have noticed that whenever I'm one-on-one with a guy that I'm not entirely comfortable with I get all awkward and have trouble finding things to say and end up sounding like a moron when I do say something and end up kind of like zoning out into space. I figured that.. well.. I'm a girl.. I like boys.. it's been over 2 years since I've had a boyfriend so I'm just afraid of screwing things up.. BUT.. I found the same thing happened with Mark last night. This is blogger so you probably don't know who Mark is, but so you know, Mark likes boys. So obviously if that were the concern then I should NOT have felt awkward around Mark. And come to think of it.. I've pretty much been the same around girls too.. it's not as bad as around boys but I just can't think of what to say.

Kind of odd.. one would guess it to be a confidence/self-esteem issue, by why in the past 6 months or so should I have suddenly started being awkward? Je ne sais pas. I'm aware of it happening when it happens and I try to then make myself do something to change it.. but.. it just doesn't come out right. It bites.

Oh, by the way.. so I'm playing clarinet duets with Laura in Markham next Wednesday at Angus Glen for some Cancer Society fundraiser. We need OVER AN HOUR OF MATERIAL. I got some of the music through the mail a couple of days ago, though we can only get together like once to try and put it together.. um.. yeah.. that is a LOT of music. We'll see how that goes..

Oh yeah.. and the concert.. it was ok. I didn't really feel like it was up to TYWO standards.. felt like.. if only we had a couple more weeks to pull this shit together.. maybe I'll change my mind when I hear the recordings? The audience seemed to love it but.. I don't know, just didn't seem to par. Jo Alessi on the other hand is AMAZINGLY INSANELY AWESOME. *starstruck*

I feel like I had more to say but this post is definately long enough.. not like it matters, the only people who read it are Jamie and Carolyn and.. well I'm sure Jamie will skim it and Carolyn already hears everything about my life in person anyway pretty much. (This blog is really a little pointless in that respect, I'm again considering just giving it the axe)