What Do I Want

It would seem that the cool thing to do these days is to exude some sense of superiority by preaching on the subject of "not happy? then stop complaining and do something about it".

It is not the concept itself that poses a problem to me. I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want. Jenn, what would make you happy? If you could do ANY job after university, what would you want to do? My problem is that I just honestly don't know. I've thought and thought and can come up with NOTHING that I would be happy getting up each morning to do. While there are a handful of things I like doing in my every day life, there's just nothing that I'm PASSIONATE enough about to want to pursue on the level of dedication that would lead to a career.

I'll be lying in bed in one of those "just one of those days" moods and I'll say to myself "screw responsibilities for a second, WHAT would make you feel happy RIGHT NOW? Indulge with the junk food? Chill with a favourite tv show? How about if the boy of your dreams was here holding you right now, would THAT make you happy?" And.. the answer is.. not really.

I understand that if I want change I have to make it happen, I understand that if I'm not happy, only I can change that. But you see.. before I can make changes.. I have to know what I want to change.. and for some reason these days I honestly just do not know what there is that will make me happy. I don't know what I want.

It's.. killing me. I am an EXTREMELY goal oriented person, I thrive under the pressures of needing to achieve a particular goal by a particular time. Problem is.. I can't figure out what my goals are anymore! School is starting to suffer.. I'm finding that I'm not motivated to do well in school anymore because it's leading me NO WHERE. My education right now is to absolutely no particular end. Maybe this degree will end up a waste of money? I've gone to 3 out of 8 classes this week. And that is really really unlike me.

Not knowing what I want from life terrifies me. Not knowing what I want to do after I leave the security blanket of school terrifies me. Not knowing how to find the answers to these questions terrifies me.

I've had it in my head for some time that one summer I want to do the OSAP Explore program in Quebec, and that another summer I want to do the ISV program (International Student Volunteers) and go somewhere cool like Thailand or Costa Rica.. but I've been asking myself.. will this actually make you happy? Will you actually ENJOY doing these things or do you just feel like you SHOULD enjoy doing these things? The answer is.. I don't know. Or, no, I probably wouldn't be very happy being away from home.

My life is kind of crumbling in my hands.. I WANT my life to have meaning and purpose and I WANT to make a difference and contribute to society, I want my presence to be worth something. I don't want to be here in this life just to wait for the next day so that I can wait for the next day, I don't want to live a life with no sense of purpose and no sense of goal. But beyond.. wanting to want something.. I'm stuck.

How do I figure out what will make me happy when I've got nothing to go on?


Well, on a completely different subject, Mark called me up wanting to watch Gilmore Girls, so he came over last night (good times, the commercial where everything is made of chocolate lead to a conversation about what if the world were made of candy which, to make a long story short lead to bike riding to Dominion and back and then getting stoned and eating rice krispie squares hot out of the bowl lol) and I realized something..
OK for about the past half year I have noticed that whenever I'm one-on-one with a guy that I'm not entirely comfortable with I get all awkward and have trouble finding things to say and end up sounding like a moron when I do say something and end up kind of like zoning out into space. I figured that.. well.. I'm a girl.. I like boys.. it's been over 2 years since I've had a boyfriend so I'm just afraid of screwing things up.. BUT.. I found the same thing happened with Mark last night. This is blogger so you probably don't know who Mark is, but so you know, Mark likes boys. So obviously if that were the concern then I should NOT have felt awkward around Mark. And come to think of it.. I've pretty much been the same around girls too.. it's not as bad as around boys but I just can't think of what to say.

Kind of odd.. one would guess it to be a confidence/self-esteem issue, by why in the past 6 months or so should I have suddenly started being awkward? Je ne sais pas. I'm aware of it happening when it happens and I try to then make myself do something to change it.. but.. it just doesn't come out right. It bites.

Oh, by the way.. so I'm playing clarinet duets with Laura in Markham next Wednesday at Angus Glen for some Cancer Society fundraiser. We need OVER AN HOUR OF MATERIAL. I got some of the music through the mail a couple of days ago, though we can only get together like once to try and put it together.. um.. yeah.. that is a LOT of music. We'll see how that goes..

Oh yeah.. and the concert.. it was ok. I didn't really feel like it was up to TYWO standards.. felt like.. if only we had a couple more weeks to pull this shit together.. maybe I'll change my mind when I hear the recordings? The audience seemed to love it but.. I don't know, just didn't seem to par. Jo Alessi on the other hand is AMAZINGLY INSANELY AWESOME. *starstruck*

I feel like I had more to say but this post is definately long enough.. not like it matters, the only people who read it are Jamie and Carolyn and.. well I'm sure Jamie will skim it and Carolyn already hears everything about my life in person anyway pretty much. (This blog is really a little pointless in that respect, I'm again considering just giving it the axe)

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JENN A DULL BOY

To see my schedule as of OCTOBER 30th, click Here

Flicka

This evening Renee and I, both being horsie people, went to opening night of Flicka. It seems that whenever I mention that word to anybody they look at me strangely. It's basically a chick flicky horse movie. Oh my goodness, it was cathartic. Very powerful acting. Both of us cried (and let me tell you it is NOT often that I will cry in a movie theatre, I can't recall really having done it before. The only other movie I can think of that makes me cry is Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. YES, it makes me bawl.)
Sigh
It was good
I swear to god that some day I will have a horse. Some day..
Maybe I can scrape together enough money to ride again at my old barn over the summer.. but with paying for clarinet lessons over the summer (I don't do lessons during the school year) I don't know..
This will likely sound ridiculous to anyone but Renee, but the last line of the movie was about how when she's riding she feels free. And that is exactly how it feels. There is nothing I can even compare to the feeling.. but it is both exhilarating and liberating. I can't let it go. Wild hearts can't be broken. (And I've finally found someone else who knows what that even is!)

Anyways.. sigh how can I get any work done tonight in a mood such as this?



By the way.. I've finally seen someone else on my floor! Another middle aged man.. I couldn't tell you anything else except that his Labrador's name is Hunter! Very sweet dog lol (I love that I don't any of my neighbours' names but now I know the dog's name)

Professor Kippen (my music prof) added me on facebook.. weeeeird

Montreal!!

It's about time I get around to posting about Montreal.. (soo lazy). It was definately better than I was expecting it to be, though indeed it's annoying to travel for 12 hours and not be in Montreal for much longer.

Since this is Blogger and not LJ I'm sad to say it will be the edited version.

When we arrived we went to see a concert at McGill.. it was.. I guess it was good for what it was.. but I didn't really like what it was. Contemporary music is not really my cup of tea. But MARIA CAME!!!! And hung out with us later, and Emily too!!! The rules were much more lax than they were on the NY trip.. apparently Beryl even bought people drinks? I wasn't there, I was with Jessica, Emily, Helen, Gideon, Maria, Jesse at a bar. We got back to the hostel past the time we were told to be back and no one cared and then partay in room 307! There were 14 people in my room at one point (my roomies being Renee, Gita, Joanna, Helen) INCLUDING Colin (!) until late. It was awesome.

The next morning we went back to McGill and woodwinds and brass split up to have a boring pointless tour OR (for woodwinds) to have a really awesome workshop with Michael Dumouchel, one of the clarinet players from the ORCHESTRA SYMPHONIQUE DE MONTREAL!!! Really cool and got the section pulled together.

After this we had a couple hours before leaving so we went to eat.. we took the Metro cuz it was FREE ALL DAY! How cool is that? I wish TTC would have a free day! We were kind of late getting back.. again.. but we were WITH Colin and Beryl (awesome lol). Joanna and I have decided that we are going to have a kid together. I know Jesse was dying to use his French but he DID get to use his Spanish with some tourists who asked us a question! And to the surprise of us all RENEE whipped out the French when some guy asked us about the Metro! Go Renee! The ride back seemed like a loongg time but the last couple of hours Jessica, Jesse and I amused ourselves with interesting games of "fuck, chuck, or marry" and "would you rather?"

It was a short, slightly drama-ridden but very fun trip. It was nice to get to know better, or at least get to the know the names of people I wasn't already well-acquainted with. I'm sure there are plenty of funny, inside joke sort of things to be said but I can't seem to remember any at the moment.

I'm really too lazy to post all of the pictures.. I'll post some but you'll have to go to Facebook to see the rest.

Oh, yeah, my hair changed colour again, if you hadn't noticed :) (Thanks to Carolyn <3 )

Louis (he looks like Heath Ledger!!) and Rebecca

Rebecca, Strahan, Michael

Renee in our hostel room

Me, Jesse, Gita, Renee

Scott's getting a bit nippley

IIAAAANN!!!



BOOOOO SEPARATISTS!!

I REALLY suck at chugging anything bubbley..

Party in our room!!



Colin too! Throwing grapes..

Sleepy ride home Awww Helen

Jesse et moi

Whether I Can Weather The Weather

After a few days it starts to feel like it's been grey (grey? gray? fuck Jesse where are you when I need you?!) forever and like the sun won't ever shine again. God I HATE when the weather is like this.. it fucks with my mind. AND it means I sit in class with a soaking ass because I forget to bring a plastic bag to cover my bike seat. It's not so bad when there's snow. Falling snow gives me a strange sense of security when I'm indoors and a strange sense of mystique when I'm outside.. even rain.. I love being inside when it's raining hard.. actually I love being outside when it's raining hard (provided I'm able to go back inside and change and not have be stuck wet in class or something) but IT'S THIS PERPRTUAL BLAND DREARY MONOTONY THAT I CANNOT STAND.

I'd say that it makes me irritable and slightly depressed.. which it does on and off, but mostly during this sort of weather I find myself predominately in an unnerving state of indifference and apathy to all aspects of life. It's not even an active sort of not caring.. it's sort of a.. *there's no point in reacting because if I just wait it'll be over and we'll move on to the next thing and I'll wait for it to be over too*

When I'm not in this specific frame of mind I find myself, as my Trainspotting poster would say, "wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning". I don't have an identity. You know how pretty much everyone you know you sort of categorize? You identify them with something. She's the girl who always says stuff that makes me laugh and is obsessed with celebrities, there's the guy who lives on his skateboard and always wants to smoke weed, etc, etc... there's something for everybody that I can think of and I assume that everybody does this without really thinking about it. The thing is, I don't see myself as having any sort of identity whatsoever. I don't see myself as standing out in absolutely any way. Any permanent way. And not in any way that separates me from anyone else, anything you COULD say about me you could say about countless other people who are better at or better known for that given thing.(No I'm not the girl who changes her hair colour because that's not ME really, that's me as of the last 3 months.) WHO THE FUCK AM I? It really really frustrates me. I hate that there's just nothing remarkable that you can really say about me whether it's good or bad (unless you don't like me for some reason and I just don't know about it), I hate blending into the walls but it seems to be something I'm good at.

You see what this weather does to me?

I've also been having nightmares. Even though there's nothing actually going on in my life that is all that stressful or notable. These are nightmares that don't feel scary at the time but that horrify me when I wake up and think about them. The one I had Monday morning was worse than anything you could ever imagine. It's actually bad enough that I don't know if I could bear to repeat it to anyone. Last night I was being chased. The feeling wasn't exactly fear, just an overwhelming need to ESCAPE. (It was my parents I was running from though I don't know why it should be them since it's been over a year since my parents could control me really.) Also I was running through a shopping mall. I always seem to be running through a shopping mall in chase dreams.. what the HELL does that mean?

Retrace

-Thursday night I saw Reefer Madness: The Musical with James.. it is so funny. SO funny and SO well done.. as always with Hart House Theatre I just wish I could go back again and again.. I mean, come on, JESUS shows up!!

Minister dude after hearing the confession of reefer crazed Jimmy: JESSUSS CHRISSTT!!!!!
Voice from off-stage: YOU CALLED? *enter Jesus with angels*
Best line ever, Jesus: Body of me, like what you see? Have some body of me.. Jewish? That's ok, so am I!
And the narrator dude was SUCH a good actor.. gosh how did he stay in character?.. trapped a garden CHOKED with WEED. MARAHHHHUUUUUANA!
And the baby omg have I ever laughed so hard?

-Friday night I stayed in, pizza and movies with Tristan (finally saw V for Vendetta, and also My Super Ex-Girlfriend, both were good)

-Saturday night was a brief but enjoyable (wish I'd had more time.. damn SCHOOL) excursion into Nuitblanche (what a fantastic concept!) and then.. saw Reefer Madness again (you knew I would) except this time.. in a more appropriate frame of mind, with Chelsea/Alix/Jesse.. ooh mann.. FUCKING EH. It was incredible. INCREDIBLE. Methinks I'm gonna be downloading the music and becoming unhealthily obsessed with yet another semi-obscure musical!

-Sunday.. TYWO.. rehearsal was super-exciting for at least 3 reasons:
1. Helen brought me more books! Books are like CANDY to me. Both make me excited but books don't make me fat!
2. Rebecca, Hailey and I have FINALLY laid plans for our DISNEY MARATHON!!! We are all going to be singing ALL the words and.. omg.. it's going to be so much fun.
3. Kevan came to visit and gave me GROUP PASSES TO THE SCIENCE CENTRE OMG IT MAKES ME SO FREAKING EXCITED (don't worry, I shared the extra ones with Jessica/Jesse/Strahan, I didn't hog them though I'd have liked to heh though maybe we'll all go together like 4 times heheheh LOVE YOU FOR THAT KEV, SO EXCITING! Happy travels!)

It's been a fulfilling weekend fo shizzle, sort of. I'm still in sort of a nowhere place.. the good and the bad cancel out to a slightly unnerving neutrality. Gladly there's enough school work to keep my mind off of it. I'm ridiculously behind in my reading though.. this Astronomy assignment is gonna feel so good to hand in (if we ever get it done).

It's so hard to be patient when every second life is getting shorter and shorter.
It's so hard to keep looking at life that way, though letting each of those seconds slip by without attention to their value would be worse.