Too Much.

So I had a bit of a breakdown this evening. The stress over this whole housing situation is just too much for me on top of everything else.. too much in too little time, quick decisions are being demanded of me, life changing decisions; I have trouble making decisions even when I have all the time in the world to make them. Live by myself or live with Jesse's friends? I'm not going to explain on a journal why I think it might not be such a great idea to live with 3 boys, though on the other hand it means there would be people looking out for me and people around to talk to. I think though, I'm still going to end up by myself. This is killing me because I'm convinced that no matter what decision I make it's going to be the wrong one and it's going to fuck up my life which would have been so great had I only taken the other choice. I had a sit down with my parents tonight and they made me feel so bad and guilty about the whole thing, it's my fault this is so last minute (IT'S NOT), it's my fault we're in trouble financially because I should be making thousands and thousands of dollars and should have been making thousands of dollars for years already like “every other kid” though they've always had me convinced that we were in a great place financially despite my inquiries and never bothered to mention to me that it was pretty necessary for me to be doing the aforementioned. It's JUST TOO MUCH. I started crying right there at the kitchen table, I couldn't help it, and then I couldn't stop, and I still can't seem to stop, I'm still at it, I don't even know why. It's just so much pressure, and so much stress, and so little sleep, and so little support.

Is it funny that my best emotional support right now is coming from two year olds because they cuddle with me?
I know there are people out there who care about me, I know, it's just that I don't really get to see or talk to them.. ever because there just isn't time. There isn't time for anything other than the bare minimum of sleep I need to be able to make it through the next day. I know there are people who have it just as bad or a whole lot worse, well maybe they're stronger than I am.

Gonna go drink some of my father's disgusting Mexican beer and get tonight's 6 hours of sleep.