The Type Of Post I'm Sure To Regret

What I'm going to write might be more reminiscent of who Jenn was a year ago, and not who she is now, and for that I apologise.

Have you ever been so pressed down, overwhelmed by your own thoughts that you can only make your eyes focus for a few seconds at a time before you're pulled back down into the trance?

Even once my physical self has worn itself down, that intangible part of my being is curled tightly into a ball, screaming and screaming and clawing at itself.

Your voice, your laugh, your eyes
I ache for it
Everything is you
You won't read this, and if you did it probably wouldn't mean anything to you
But I screwed up
I'm such a hypocrite
To think that I've caused you pain tears me apart inside
To think how I've lost you, I don't want to open my eyes and face it
You'll never know how sorry I am

Is it normal or is this a sickness I have, this need to punish myself. Though I'm sure most of you are familiar with it, I wouldn't be so presumptious as to think that I'm the only one who feels pain like this. You know the kind, the kind that hurts as though it will never stop, and despite what anyone says, you don't believe it could ever stop.

There's no one to blame but myself. That's one of the hardest things to come to terms with, the helplessness of knowing what you've done, and being helpless to change it.

Walking alone in the rain because you know what it would mean to let yourself go home. Trying to convince yourself that nothing and no one is worth your blood.

Times like these, it feels like it would be easier not to go on living. But I know I have to, and I know I will. This shit builds character right? Pick yourself up when you get knocked down. Even if the ground is easier.

Please don't take my sunshine away.

This post will probably confuse some of you, disgust some of you, anger some of you, which ever it is, I'd appreciate if y'all wouldn't ask me about the contents of this post. I'd ask that if you were to comment, it would not be patronizing.

I wish I knew how to fix it.