Look, Listen, Learn

So today was relatively interesting:

Some ridiculous old woman talked to me for like 20 minutes.. except she was mumbling so I could barely understand anything she was saying.. though of what I did hear, I think she was off her rocker.. she seemed to think she was in the early 1900's.. the few words I caught went along the lines of "criminal offense, womens rights, cancer, british politics" lots about politics, and she said "ooh yes, its true" a lot, and very frequently referred to the opinions of "Georgie". Who the fuck is Georgie? Man.. it was weird.

Today I played "who's gonna step in the puddle"- someone dropped and broke a glass bottle of something right by the kiosk.. its very interesting how some people take it in their stride and avoid it without even really acknowledging it.. and how some people dodge out of the way at the very last second.. and how most people just walk right through.. and don't even flinch or look down upon the breaking of glass under their heels or the slosh of liquid (things I could hear loud and clear)

So most of us know how hard it is for Jenn not kidnapp kids when she's at the mall.. today I saw the most extraordinary thing.. this little toddler.. her mother was asian but the kid looked white, caucasian in all ways, hair, features.. BUT.. despite her eyes not having that sort of slanted, narrow asian quality, the pupils were jet black. It was kinda freaky but really cool.. it made her look so intelligent.. so speculative and knowing.. like she had the secrets to the very universe and was going to keep them all to herself. And then they bought a present from me for grandma and she said "for grandma, for grandma!" and "buhbye!" hehe I want her.. I want one so very much.. children are so amazingly innocent.. clean little slates, but then, the little ones who've grown past baby but haven't reached talking, they gaze around with their wide little eyes and you'd swear that they do know all the secrets of the world and that they simply forget them once they gain the means to communicate them.

I saw a man carrying a guitar in a garbage bag.

I'm still listless and the space underneath my desk is still looking pretty damn good.
Do I have a sign on my forehead that says "please feel free to abuse me" that only I can't see?

TYWO on Dec 2 @ the Toronto Centre for the Arts, Eric Whitacre conducting ALL our pieces! You'll come if you're cool, looking forward to seeing all you Markham folks.

The Old Man Is Snoring..

Make the rain go away. Sometimes it's soothing, but most of the time the neverending gloom just makes me really depressed. Today was pretty bad in that respect, though I think it was a whole bunch of factors combining and being supplemented by the weather. Usually it makes me want to eat, or sleep, or talk to friends, but sometimes (like today) it reaches a whole new level. I didn't even feel depressed exactly, more.. listless, that's a good word. I didn't feel like eating or sleeping.. or working.. or doing anything leisurely.. or seeing or talking to anybody.. or anything.. all I felt like was crawling under my desk and never leaving. (I didn't do it, but you get the idea.)It was not cool.

4 essays down, 1 to go

I watched Harry Potter 4.. it made me feel frustrated on top of listless.. they BUTCHERED it.. I don't understand how anyone who's read the books can watch it without gnawing off an arm.. and I don't understand how people who haven't read it can enjoy it without understanding the depth of it.. they hardly explained ANYTHING in ANY proximity to the depth they go into in the book.. they left out SOO much.. and changed shit around.. what the fuck did they do with Dobby? bastards.. and they made the arrival of the visiting schools some kind of freak show.. they were NORMAL KIDS!! NOT ACROBATS!! I thought they mangled the end of the first movie though I enjoyed the second and the third.. but come on.. the 4th has been the best book in the series so far and they did a TERRIBLE job adapting it.. it makes me want to force everyone who hasn't read the books and claims it's good to read them and understand how much better they are.. anyone who thinks the books are better than the movies is just too shallow to appreciate them.

But that's just my opinion.

Bam.

I feel so naive.
How can someone be so naive but distrusting to the point of paranoia at the same time?
The worst part is that I'll probably never grow out of it.
That feeling of being punched in the stomach from only a few words out of someone you care about.
I'm sick of being punched in the stomach.
What beautifully blatant hypocrisy guys are capable of without even realizing it.
Fuck.

HHSB

Ah tonight was the Hart House Symphonic Band concert.. I went begrudgingly, knowing my time could be better spend with my research and essays so short for time, resentful of wasting the time with this crappy band.. the people I talked to before hand seemed to agree with me.. BUT

Actually, I think thats the best we've ever played. It really went well. I can't believe how many people came to watch, what the hell's up with that?! Some awesome solo stuff, Laura, Calvin, Julia and many more, I heart you guys, awesome job! We sounded good! Except for the last song, which was partly due to hideous out of tuneness (or maybe that was just me) and the fault of the composer for not doing a great job writing the song haha And then we have our graduate student engineer from Switzerland and his amazing soprano sax solo.. how can you be an engineer AND be so talented? I want that talent in my family gene pool haha *smirk*

Oh man Laura and I are just too cool for words.. acting out James Bond at the carnival (that being our interpretation of one of the songs lol) [for some pieces only half the band played and the other half went in the hall] and alternately bobbing up and down to our own little oompa-loompa beat hehe ahh

OMG last week I noticed one of the grad students had the solo clarinet part for Rhapsody in Blue and I mentioned I'd like a photocopy, and THEY BROUGHT ME ONE TODAY!! WITHOUT ME HAVING TO PRESS! I HAD ACTUALLY FORGOTTEN COMPLETELY ABOUT IT!! How friggin sweet is that.. guess what I'm learning over the break when I have sweet sweet spare time? :)

Time to stay up all night attempting essay! Oh yeah, definately having a nervous breakdown about this particular research essay.. we won't go into Thurs.. lets just say the universe did all it could to stop me! Fucking photocopiers in Robarts.. lol

And then back out to a crazy nazi tywo rehearsal in roughly 10 hours!

A Rose By Any Other Name..

Romeo and Juliet was REALLY good.
I can't even talk about it on here because it won't do it justice.
Shakespeare in class and from the book is NOTHING like Shakespeare on stage..
"What light through yonder breaks? It is the east and Juliet is the sun" was always a cool line, but when you actually see it in context it's suddenly so much clearer.
Romeo was really hot. Damn I was I was Juliet. Er well, the actor who plays her so as to avoid that whole tragic death part...
The end was a little abrupt and they had the wrong character deliver the line for some reason so I didn't find it all that effective.. but the rest of it was great.
The swordplay was awesome.. when someone did an aside or a couple of characters in a crowded place were talking the lights would change and everyone around them would go in slow motion.. and they'd always start up right as someone was making a dramatic thrust with their sword.. it was a REALLY awesome effect to see.
The music was always VERY effective.
Apparently it was a lot better than the Stratford version, it was very animated and they emphasized the humour (esp. the sexual humour lol) though obviously the old guy behind me who snored the whole way through didn't think so.

Him to his wife: That was really good.
Me: Yeah, I could hear you snoring
Him: WHAT? [to his wife:] you were supposed to nudge me if I did that!!

haha anyways..
Theatre is SO hot.
I always want to bang the actors. But only if I don't see them off stage, because I've noticed that the really hot actors on stage look like crap off-stage lol

Anyways, despite the work I should have been getting done, I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. I just wish I had more enlightening things to say, but I'm still in the "wow that was good" shock stage lol

By the by.. http://www.insidetoronto.ca/to/arts/story/3181541p-3686067c.html

*snicker*

"I'll warn you all that later in the lecture some of the slides will move somewhat beyond a "PG" rating, so some of you may want to look away, some of you may want to go to the washroom..... NO!! NO!! I MEANT GO JUST TO GET OUT OF THE CLASSROOM, DON'T PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH!!!!"

hahahahahahhaha ahhhhhh comic relief is ALWAYS welcome in archaeology :)

3 essays down, 2 to go.

*jumps up and down!*

Ok so on Friday night I'm going with Macy and Julia to see Romeo and Juliet at Hart House Theatre which is gonna be SO fucking cool (then Saturday HHSB concert, then Sunday TYWO @ the s.c.c.)

And guess what? As of the button I just clicked a few minutes ago, over x-mas break Wes and I are going to see The Nutcracker!! HOW FUCKING AWESOME IS THAT!!!! I've never been to a ballet before.. I'M SO FRIGGIN EXCITED!!!!!! :D EEEEEE!!!!


*running around in circles*

Ok. Must. Breathe. And. Write. Essay.

Oh The Novelty

Once upon a time, around Halloween, suite 604 set out to carve a pumpkin! Me, Kazuki, and Kei


Kazuki has the strongest arms, so he did most of the work, and the seeds were mine to contend with.


Tatjana uses her mad engineer skills to do some awesome carving.. unfortunately I don't have a picture of the end result.


Winter, she begins in the T dot.


My beautiful, beautiful x-mas lights :D

I notice that lately I haven't reminded everyone that I WANT A BOY.

You know what's not fun? Being woken up in the middle of the night by excruciating pain in one's calf! Damn you charlie horse.. I thought I had escaped your wrath. And then going back to sleep and not remembering that it even happened until the next day when you wonder why you can't walk properly.

Most of last weekend's major causes of stress have been sorting themselves out. Except for one giant glaring wound which I fear will never heal itself.

2 essays down, 3 to go.

Sore Arms

You know you're a uni. student when: you get really excited over a sale at the grocery store on something you don't hate! And the cashier asks if you have your air miles card.. *snicker*

You will never truely appreciate the fact that your mom drives the family groceries home in a car until you experience what it's like to lug yours home on your own.

I saw the subway doors close on someone again, this guy had a real good fight with it, if I wasn't so terrified I would probably be laughing hysterically.. *covers mouth*

This is going to be a lonely, depressing, essay-filled weekend, woo hoo! Time to plug in the x-mas lights... :)

Falling of Snow, Lifting of Spirits

OMG! SNOW! The world just looks so beautiful when it's snowing :) I'm one of those sappy insufferable people who finds something special about the first real snow fall of the season so I'm going to neglect my essays and put up christmas lights instead in our living room! I love christmas lights..

And I love gilmore girls.. LORELEI AND RORY FINALLY MADE UP!!!! I almost cried.

I feel good.

Freudian Slip

Some people are just genuinely dumb.. especially prissy little teenage girls.. here's our idiot quote of the day:
(At work) "Does that calendar cost money?" No you asshat, pay for it in jube-jubes.. ACTUALLY nevermind.. Unicef.. this CHARITY can afford to give shit away for the simple reason that all our merchandise is a product of child labour! Honestly now.. *shakes head* Though I shouldn't complain, I got a good laugh.

So, at work today I spent a large amount of time reading one of Freud's case studies for English, and it is of course very interesting, and it of course (since I have nothing better to do at work anyway) provoked me to analyse aspects of my own life. This is something I like to do anyway, though naturally my attempts are shallow at best. I was wondering, why is it that I enjoy (be it physical or non) when guys are agressive/possessive/controlling with me? In the style of analysis that I picked up from the book, my first thought was that being controlled is a substitute for my own level of control. For example, I feel as though I have little control over parts of my life (eat habits, social abilities, emotions) so wanting to be controlled and BEING controlled actually GIVES me some aspect of control. To simplify even further, if you make my decision for me, I feel less out of control than if I TRIED to make my own decision and failed miserably. If you decide, I don't feel as out of control because it was my decision to let you decide and the alternative remains that I could have done what ever it was for myself WHEREAS if I make my own choices there is no middle man and I can't avoid the lack of control I have over the consequence. Got it?
Also in the style of Freud I try and look back into my past, I can trace this tendency in myself to as far back as about grade 7/8ish, this being where that whole puberty thing happens SO perhaps I enjoy being controlled because it covers up any shame that I might feel over my developing self. Example: I feel less ashamed about thinking about sex if it's the guy in control of me as opposed to me being the one in control and thus taking more responsibility for my actions.
If we really wanted, we could get even MORE freudian and relate this to my relationship with my father- we won't touch family and sexuality but maybe since my dad has always been the withdrawn, easy one and it was always my mom that made the decisions and had control over everything, MAYBE this tendency of mine is reflecting a lack (and consequent need) for male authority where my father fell short.
If we want to forget Freud completely we could always relate it back to the primitive caveman days where the role of the male was naturally to be the dominant one who would protect and control his mate. So maybe we could just blame the whole thing on primitive instincts seeping through.

Alright thats enough Dr. Jenn for today.

Some middle aged guy visiting from Israel starting hitting on me today, no that's not even the gross part, the gross part is that he thought I was 15. I wonder if he even believed me when I insisted that I was 18 lol fucking sick pedophilific bastard! Funny how it's pretty evenly divided between people thinking I'm younger or older. It almost makes me want to cast aside my "if you judge me by my looks I don't want anything to do with you anyway" beliefs and waste hours of my life putting more effort into the way I dress and how many layers of makeup I apply. Or perhaps not.

I bought a lighter today. Really I'm just taunting myself because I will NOT touch my weed until my essays have been written and submitted.

Keep Your Chin Up

Alright, it's true that I had a pretty rough weekend and not a great week before that so, yes, my last few posts have been pretty negative and depressing. And while I've calmed down since, I'm still finding myself very stressed. But, today, I'm going to do my best to formulate some sort of positive post.

First of all despite the assholes out there, there are still good people in the world. I've been very irritable and short-tempered with a couple of you in the past little while and for that I apologise because I know that you have nothing but good intentions. Also, I was suprised that more than one person, people who don't know me very well yet, inquired as to the nature of my troubles and expressed their sympathy. This does a great deal to restore an amount of my faith in the nature of humanity, as a large source of frustration this year has been how most people I meet don't seem to have much an interest in making new friends.

My seminar professor gave us an extra week to hand in our collaborative essays. Thank you God. Now I just need to get my partner to try and convey his ideas with something ressembling coherent clarity.

Strangely enough, in my ranting about what bastards guys are (or gay, or taken) I've started to remember with some affection my experiences with *____. I don't know if any of you would remember this guy, Jamie, you remember the ____ thing? Well this would be a fellow that I went on a few dates with back last spring, now, he did a pretty thorough job of scaring me away but, this in itself conveys an innocence that he possesed. He was uncorrupted by any previous negative experience, something which I think is a source of future problem after you've been through it, and although maybe naive and ignorant he was genuinely nice to me. My reflections on what self-serving pricks a lot of guys are has lead me to appreciate this. His mom trained him well to open doors for a girl and walk her up to her door- you don't see this very often at all anymore. I sincerely wish it were more common, but tradition and romance are things of the past for most modern guys.

Also, you know what he would say to me? He'd say: "You're beautiful and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise." Maybe you're laughing at me now, but we weren't even going steady, and I've never had a steady boyfriend talk to me like that with such sincerity and consistancy. Usually, if someone says something like that to me I'll brush it off and assume it's bullshit, because generally it probably is. Generally, even the person who says it doesn't believe it. But when ____ said it, it felt less like he was just trying to convince me it was true and more like it was something that he actually believed.

I have no idea what happened to him and I don't think anything could really have gone anywhere between us, but nonetheless the memory lifts my spirits and renews my hopes that not all guys out there are out to treat me like dirt and tear my heart out.

The trick is finding one. But, yes this an optimistic post, I swear. (So we won't go there)

lol maybe my missing ___ is a sign of just how desperate and lonely I'm getting.. but we won't ruin the moment by explaining that one to those who don't already know what I mean


*****EDIT*** After originally including the name I've now decided it would not be a wise idea, but if the name would have meant anything to you then you'd more easily recognize the circumstances even without it.

Irritated (This Time It's Not PMS)

Two pet peeves bountifully exemplified by two different people:

1. When people aren't just straight up with each other. Don't fuck around with someone, don't do stupid things to avoid them or the problem or say stupid things to cover up what you really mean, just TELL them what the problem is that you have and WORK IT OUT with them. If you don't have time to talk to someone or if they irritate you JUST TELL THEM! Aka. tell the person what your problem is instead of blocking them for 3 weeks without a word. :)

2. When someone acts in a way that destroys someone who they claim to care about. When someone can selfishly ignore the feelings of someone else because things are the best for THEM that way and still claim that what they are doing is what's the most beneficial to both. Rings a bell doesn't it? We've seen this before haven't we? What bullshit, I didn't expect this from you.

Unfortunately neither of these people read this blog. :)

While we're at it, another huge pet peeve is when people say something vague to you which CLEARLY means they want you to ask them about it.. JUST SAY WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT TO SAY! Sure, people might get tired of you talking about yourself a lot but its a HELL of a lot less annoying than when you tug at my sleeve so I'll ask you.

Actually, the term "pet peeve" is a pet peeve of mine. What idiot came up with that?

Embedded Like A Splinter, Rooted Much Deeper

I hate relationships, as soon as you let yourself become emotionally intertwined with someone it destroys you and despite it you never again cease to seek it

Maybe the people who say that drinking alone is a bad idea were right lol

Remembrance Day And Irony

Sometimes we must Remember the things that we would prefer to leave hidden, safetly sleeping in the darkness of the past. We must Remember in order to forget, and in order to learn, and in order to grow and move forward.

Lest we forget.

Today I will try to forget, but today more than any other, I will remember.

Perspective.

It's interesting how something as strictly regulated as time always feels so irregular. For example, you rush madly through the hour you have to finish your exam and it flies right by, and then you watch the seconds tick during a tedious hour long lecture which seems to last an eternity. How extraordinarily contradictory to the very way we've constructed time.

Also, it's interesting how one can see the very same scenario in two drastically different ways. I walk to class and for no particular reason am enjoying life and the very moment; the cold crisp air and wind rustling the leaves exhilarates me and I am filled with a general sensation of well-being as I watch the hazy moon and consider myself: a student in the prime of my youth, thirsting for knowledge, the best years of my life.
The lecture is tedious and boring and the guest speaker goes way too fast and eliminates any possibility of us writing down, nevermind actually absorbing, the material. I leave feeling drained and worn down. Although nothing outside has changed, on the walk home the cold is penetrating and the wind harsh. The leaves seem dirty and gnarled and unwelcoming. Thoughts of "will I ever get home?" are popular. The whole atmosphere has completely shifted.

The whole world completely changes depending on our personal state and attitude. It's very interesting. Or maybe it's just pms.

I wish I could spend the rest of my life doing nothing but eating junk food and watching television. Maybe after a few years I would even regain the will to read of my own accord. (That's a lie, I'm actually quite enjoying reading dear old Frankenstein again for English, but aside from that.)

I love when the train people get bored.. "Please step away from the doors, the doors will be closing, the doors will be closing, DO NOT CHARGE AT THE DOORS BECAUSE THEY ARE NOW CLOSING!!!!" hehe

Oh, I found another one! Talent and looks seem to walk hand in hand with band guys.. I can't remember his name because it's something in french unfamiliar to me.. he's not in my normal line of vision but he stands at the front to do a (sop. sax) feature for one of the songs..mmmm.. this all sounds pretty creepy doesn't it? What, I'm not allowed to enjoy the view while I'm at band? lol I'm reminded of Danielle and Mo at the festivals and the scouting out of the hot band geeks :)


Romeo and Juliet being performed at the Hart House Theatre, the 16th-26th, students $12

*violent shudder*

Suddenly this room looks a lot less friendly. That's right ladies and gentlemen, today for the first time since I moved in, I saw a spider. It was on the wall right behind my pillow. I killed it. The thought of that spider makes me want to strangle myself. I hate spiders.

Hate.

Lesson: Never Steal A Mouthful Of Breast

Ah much to say:

I started work at Unicef this week, I've got about 18 hours a week, the shifts are long and boring and I spend a lot of time staring at people as they walk by, but as far as jobs go, it's really not so bad (hey, I get to SIT lol that's where it's at!)

Last night I went with my older (and only) cousins, my aunt and my oma to see Les Miserables!!!!!! Ah.. it was very good. The acting very successfully drew emotion and although some parts were a litte drawn out and a little confusing, it was quite witty and well done.

Of course, half the fun is the sophicated and enlightened commentary of my cousins on the dialogue:
"Just because he stole a mouthful of bread? Maybe he stole a mouthful of BREAST."
And on our fellow audience members:
"Nice jeans buddy, just get off work at the POTATO FARM?!?!" hahahaha

Do YOU know what a bum-gnome is????
And we can't leave out my oma who checks out our chests and then randomly launches into a story about how her wedding dress was padded..
And my aunt who, for lack of anything better to say, tells me I have nice ears because they lay flat against my head!

Afterwards we went to Fran's to eat and I had some lovely fish and chips and Stef had her onion rings and Andrea had her... oatmeal??? Your soulmate Jamie?
Haha what a marvelous family.. best cousins EVER :) <3

On a completely different note, the subway- just as I had been getting used to it- once again TERRIFIES me. I saw the door close on someone.. like it CLOSED.. and when she frantically dislodged herself it closed on her purse which she again had to frantically dislodge.. it scared the daylights out of me.. (I have a terrible fear of subway doors.. I was feeling better because I thought they had sensors.. but apparently not? :S)

So my first two essays and first two midterms have yielded two A-'s an 88 and an 89. Nothing special but respectable enough I suppose. Don't ask me how I managed an 89 on that music midterm... though I'm glad I didn't do any worse because who ever marked it was really mean.. instead of circling what was wrong in an answer they just wrong "NO." in red pen.. haha.. so mean!

In music this week one of the songs he played for us was Jupiter (it being an analysis course we do a great deal of listening) and it occured to me what a fantabulous emotional connection a musician forms with a piece they've played, no matter how distant in their past. It can't entirely be understood by a non-musician.. but you really form a bond with music you've dedicated your time and emotion to.. interesting as well that as I listen to something I've played years ago, I still get a vivid visual image of the physical piece of music, I can see the notes on the page, or pick out what part of which page a given section of music was on. It's kinda cool.

Is it just me, or do sometimes, when you're randomly going about your day, certain things just grab you? What I mean is sometimes you'll just be walking along, and the light will strike the leaves of a tree in a certain way that just leaves you awe-struck of the beauty that exists in this world. Things like that just seem to make the world a much more meaningful place. The U of T campus really is a thing of beauty.

Speaking of beauty, in my hours at work it's come to my attention that there are a LOT of ugly people out there. A vast majority I'd say lol (I'm certainly not discluding myself by any means)

It certainly is interesting, in the Eaton Center, just to observe the diverse though extremely clear-cut categories of people. Also, it took me off guard how many teenage parents there are.. actually, most of them being the stereotypical image of "thug".. but.. there's something endearing about seeing this big tough thug pushing around his multi-coloured baby carriage lol Call me crazy.. but there's actually a very attractive quality to me in seeing young guys who take responsibility for children and get all role-modelly for them.

Anyways I think that's all for now. Though perhaps I'll reiterate this every week until it's resolved: I WANT A BOY. :)

Ew

So I felt a sore spot on my thigh and had a glance and saw the biggest bruise I have had. Never before have I had a bruise with such an extremely vivid array of blue, purple, and black. It's a disgusting work of art. I would take a picture if I still had the digital camera with me. Only thing is that I have absolutely no idea how I got it.. :S

Halloween!

Happy Halloween everybody!

Everyone dressed up all of last week and I saw NO ONE dressed up today.. wtf! Oh yeah and the shirtless grunting guy in the santa hat that Justin mentions on his journal that we saw on Saturday.. apparently someone in my english class saw the same guy on the subway today! Except this time instead of grunting he was running back and forth yelling "merry christmas"... BAHAHA.

Today's Digital Culture seminar was as informative as usual: the eurcharist = cannibalism and Emilio is full of sperm!

My english professor chose not to come to class this evening, so the idiot TA did it instead! Half way through 3/4 of the class had gotten up and left lol she sucked.. she was hard to hear, she sounded like she was going to cry, she put random pauses in the middle of thoughts all over the place.. I think even SHE knew how much she sucked cuz she brought us a TON of candy and let us go an hour early hehe :)

After class I headed over to Macy's and chilled with the Trin. girls! "Someone finish this vodka and coke for me!" hah, those are words I love to hear! Some drinking, lots of eating, a random crazy ass Jap. horror and then Rocky Horror Picture Show.. then some dancing to Jap. music and some thugged out hip-hop.. oh, and lets not forget Julia and Anita throwing up multiple times, you asians just can't hold alcohol :P haha but thats ok because you guys are AWESOME, good times.

Speaking of which, I'm finding it SO odd that I've only really made friends with girls here.. in high school, especially the last couple of years the vast majority of my friends, those that I hung out with, were guys.. and I just felt totally uncomfortable hanging out with girls and just didn't really enjoy it.. but now it's COMPLETELY reversed.. pretty much ALL of the friends I've made here are girls.. the guys are all so closed and unfriendly.. I'm getting used to it but it feels so weird lol it sucks that the guys suck but it's cool to be hanging out with girls again.. I think high school taught me how to find the right sorts of people that I feel good with

Speaking of which, I WANT A BOY. lol though I think the people I talk to have heard me mention that more than enough lately haha