Can't Take My Eyes Away

Last nights concert was pretty good, yay! I could change my mind when I hear the recordings but it felt good.. might just be the fact alone that all those random little squeaks and mess ups that you typically get in a high school band who's been practicing for twice as long at half the difficulty level just was not there!

I can't speak for concert winds though...... lol naw, they did variations on a korean folk song and I had an orgasm because it's so freaking beautiful. Performing with a band.. I would go into an elaborate metaphor of how its like sex/climax (a Mr Jull quintet style metaphor lol) but there are just too many other things I need to be doing right now.

So the guys just take our laundry out of the machines and pile our stuff on top instead of waiting or going to a different laundry room. I wouldn't mind it so much if it didn't make me so incredibly uncomfortable to have random guys touching my underwear :)

I think I've completely freaked him out with my staring.. lol this being a different him from the one before, I don't stare at that one anymore, I found someone better to stare at hehe but more likely than not he probably thinks I'm a huge loser!

Last night was job training.. oh Unicef.. good times when I'm telling the person teaching me how to use the cash register HOW TO USE THE CASH REGISTER. This being sad on many levels, especially considering she was holding a sheet with instructions. :) It was fun, I start Wednesday. I wonder how much busier the Eatons Centre will be than Markville was..

"WE'LL HAVE A TRUMPET/CLARINET RECITAL!!!!" (regional coordinator= my hero)

Damn there's so much I need to do.. non-school stuff even.. that I just really don't feel like doing lol

My throat feels funny. It started feeling dry at about 4 in the morning when I was tossing and turning worried about my music midterm. And now it feels funnier. Shit. If I get sick for a third time in 2 months when it's not even WINTER yet... HEADS WILL ROLL. I'll probably be the first to die from the avian flu.

Catch-Up

Alright so where did I leave off?

Well Monday morning I got up bright and early for an interview with Unicef.. I got off the subway and somehow managed to walk the wrong way down Yonge street.. and then realized and RAN LIKE MAD down the road.. and got there 15 minutes late.. not good.. but then they wouldn't let me in the building.. because they were having a fire drill!!!! So I stood out there for half an hour while everyone got out and back into the building.. that fire drill sure saved my late ass. And I actually put on a pretty good show, which I usually can't and don't for interviews.

After class I had lunch with a cute guy from class, it was pretty randomly coincidental but nice all the same :)

Yesterday the Unicef lady called to say I got the job :D well its still "pending successful references" hopefully that'll be ok.. even I haven't gotten a hold of one of them, the phone just rings and rings, but fingers crossed that it won't be a big deal that she never gets a hold of one of them lol I feel pretty good about this cuz Unicef is where I did all of my high school volunteer hours.. except now I'll be getting paid $10 an hour to boss the volunteers around muahahahah!! Training is tomorrow night (and I get paid to train too!!) So we'll see how that goes! I think that I might not tell my parents.. cuz I think they might be like "oh good well now you can pay for your own school shit" so.. it might stay on the down-low lol

Last night was the HHSB pub night.. although a few of us didn't realize until the waitress told us to get out that you couldn't be in the building unless you had ID saying you were 19! (Which is really stupid cuz we weren't gonna drink but we'd still have ordered food and it was only like 10 o'clock at night..) so a few of us went and chilled at Harveys until it closed and then hit the 24 hour mcdonalds haha oh we're so cool! And determined that we are going on a fake ID hunt so that we never have to get kicked out again lol.. way to call my HOME phone instead of my cell you drunken fools :P

Last night I saw a picture that just SHOCKED me.. like.. it still shocks me to think about it.. has that ever happened to you? Some things just hit you like you don't expect and completely blow you away.. I just stared at it with my jaw dropped for a long time and tried to make it sink in.. like.. wow.. I won't post what it was but if you want to know ask me on msn or something and I'll show you.

So, TONIGHT WAS PUMPKIN NIGHT! The often scattered members of my suite collaberated to carve a pumpkin lol though none of us had ever done it before.. I think it turned out pretty well! I'll post a picture of it later on.. and we toasted the seeds and ate them.. it was pretty nice

Yeah so I'm an idiot and still a cell phone newbie and I didn't realize that if you refill a prepaid account before it expires the unused money on it gets carried over.. but if you let it expire before refilling then you lose the money.. so I lost somewhere between $15-20.. *sigh* what's with me and losing money due to pure stupidity? It seems to happen a lot lol

Music midterm tomorrow *bites nails* I should study.

TYWO concert Saturday night at 8 o'clock at Grace Church on-the-Hill (300 Lonsdale Rd) Buy a ticket at the door since it's too late to buy one from me- IF YOU COULD GO AND YOU CHOOSE NOT TO THEN YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE!

Oh btw my archaeology book FINALLY came in at the store! YAY!

I accidentally slept all evening instead of writing my essay. Shit. Weird dreams about people from high school and homeless people. Well at least my msn finally started working again.

AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!?!?!?!

This has to be the most fucking irritating afternoon EVER. MSN won't let me connect, keeps telling me it's "temporarily unavailable" WHAT THE HELL?

I HOPE THE VARSITY STADIUM BURNS DOWN AND ALL THE FOOTBALL PLAYERS DIE IN TRAGIC ACCIDENTS SO I CAN GET MY WORK DONE WITHOUT HAVING TO HEAR THEM AND THEIR GOD DAMN LOUDSPEAKERS AND BANDS AND WHISTLES AND IDIOTIC FANS!!!

The websites I need all seem to be not working (the ones I don't need are working just fine, mind you) and I can't get a hold of any of the god damn people I need to use as references!

Oh, and the fire alarm went off in the building, so Sarah and I had to stand out with everyone in the freezing rain in our pj's and sandals until the fire department came! I hope whichever idiot set it off gets gang beaten!

I desperately need spyware detection but it won't let me download any because it keeps saying it can't find the server!

Not being able to get on msn makes me crack like an egg! If you don't see me on msn, you should call me and make sure I haven't hung myself!

It could at LEAST stop raining, I mean come on..

Oh by the way, I'm almost 100% sure now that the drunk guy from Wed. night lives in this building..

What's The Probability?

Loneliness has to be one of the worst feelings ever. That sort of dispairing sensation and empty gnawing that doesn't let you forget it for a second or concentrate on anything else. And it's so common too.. everywhere you look there are people complaining about their loneliness, lots of cliche msn names like "alone in a crowd". It's sort of hard to comprehend how a world that has so much loneliness can still have so much love in it. I guess it's a coin toss. Heads or tails?

I think these pictures only make it worse but, for your amusement here they are all the same:


Mark and AJ at our party pour trois.


Oh how scandalous, AJ my lesbian lover (and streaking buddy hehe)

I'll post a few more later on from this film I just had developed. (The rest of the camera predominately being from the end of high school.)

Adventures of the Past Couple of Days

Ahh Archaeology midterm finally over.. it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.. or maybe thats because I stayed in the study room until 4 am last night and a) actually knew the answers or b)was brain drained enough that I couldn't tell the difference

Between today's frantic studying for the above I went to a job interview and came to the conclusion that I really don't want to work there, didn't seem a very friendly place.

After the midterm I successfully (surprisingly) navigated my way through subway and bus to visit a friend in the Don Mills area. Now, on the way back I managed the bus part of it ok.. made it to Young/Shepard and then stood like a fool waiting.. until a black guy wearing a crossing-guard vest came along and was inspecting the track.. and he says to me "you're waiting?" and I was like OH SHIT the trains have stopped haven't they! And yes, indeed the trains stopped at 1:18 and alas it was 1:20ish.. lucky for me this guy told me so.. he kindly showed me where to go, which bus stop to go to and, which bus to get on lol (I am utterly incompetent as far as figuring out bus routes I'm unfamiliar with) and talked to me about how stupid it is that the subway on the connecting line goes later so people always transfer and stand there like idiots (like me) waiting for a train though it's already stopped running.
So I got off at Young and Bloor and began to walk the rest of the way home, and right away I noticed the guy walking ahead of me. The first thing I noticed was his LCBO bag and the bottle of sloshing liquid visible through it.. and then he started weaving ALL over the side-walk.. Now, drunk people (he was pretty young, must have been an undergrad.) amuse me thoroughly, so I did my best to keep pace behind this fellow. Now, he must have someone up there on his side because he showed a blatant disregard (twice in a row) for red stop-lights. And (twice in a row) there were miraculously no cars when he crossed.. I, however had to stop because once he was clear, cars DID come. So when I get across the street I look for him and he's disappeared.. so I shrug and hope that that means he got where he meant to go.. and then I past by him in the doorway of some fancy store either throwing up or peeing (my first guess was throwing up but it seemed like an usually steady stream from the brief glimpse I got so, maybe peeing) all over the fancy glass doors. I seriously considered stopping and asking him if he needed any help but then that voice kicked in that said *uh.. jenn.. this is a drunk guy and you're alone in Toronto at 2 oclock in the morning.. maybe not the best plan* so I kept walking and laughed to myself at the amusement of it. Now, don't ask me how.. but somehow farther down he randomly managed to get ahead of me again and on the other side of the road (which I was crossing over to) and now the weaving is getting really bad, he's going allll over the place.. and then finally he collapses against the Varsity stadium fence and thereby supports himself.. and I couldn't walk past him again so I walked up..
Me: Ya alright?
Him: *facing away mumbles something like "probably"*
Me: Where ya goin?
Him: *Still not facing me, a little clearer* You wouldn't know it.
Me: Need any help?
Him: *mumbles in a tone indicative of no*
Me: No?
At which point he turns around and I notice that he is in fact rather attractive
Him: *mumbles* Probably not..
And then with a good imitation of being sober
Him: I appreciate the thought though
I was still noticing how attractive he was so it was my turn to mumble, smile, and walk away. I got about 50 m down the road before I heard a loud *SMASH* at which point his sloshing bottle in the LCBO bag had apparently met its end somehow.

Oh drunks, how I love the entertainment you bring me

Did I mention that I was just a little stoned throughout this subway/drunk business? So it was all very amusing to me lol Ah what a good night I have had..

Tomorrow let the boringness recommence!

Hah.. yeah so the cheque I got from the "IODE", that commencement award.. IT BOUNCED. WHAT THE FUCK? I'll kill those fuckers. I don't even have a number to call and bitch to them at. Grrrrr..

Riding the waves

This weekend has been disgustingly unweekendly. I have done absolutely nothing but read and read and read and read more. Oh, and READ! AAAARGGGH. It never ends and it's all archaeology's fault.

A factor not helpful to this has been my roller coaster of emotions. Friday night all the little bits and pieces built up into a giant ball of lonely suckiness. It wasn't pretty. Props to Paul for getting me through it with my sanity intact.

It turns out you were right all along, though I'd never admit it to you

So, lets say you had to go and talk to a professor about something and the professor closes the door and is like "suck my dick or I'll fail you" what do you do? Haha I swear to god this hasn't happened to me, it's just something random I was thinking about.. lets say its too late to drop the course without it still being included in your GPA. And lets say a drop in your GPA will be absolutely detrimental to your future. You can't drop the course and after this proposition you can't get a good mark in the course if you don't comply. You can't get the prof. in trouble because it's his word against yours and chances are the word of a prof. is more credible, especially with you not having any evidence. Say you're brilliant, a prof. could still have the power to screw your mark, couldn't he? If it came to it, I bet it would be possible for a prof. to say you never wrote a test that you infact did, or something along those lines. It's a little scary to think about, because obviously everything screams DON'T DO IT but under certain circumstances what choice would you really have? What would you do to not get screwed over one way or another?

*This random pondering brought to you by Jenn* (don't ask me why I think about stuff like this because I have no idea haha)

Why is making friends here so god damn hard? I guess I'm just not any good at it or something haha I've been TRYING but it pretty much has seemed like no matter how much effort I expend trying to talk to people and get to know them, they never really seem to return the interest. I get so frustrated when I'm always the one starting conversations and people never make any return effort to start them with me. DO YOU PEOPLE NOT WANT TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS? lol, actually they probably don't, because most people seem to already have a pretty secure friend base, it's just my luck that none of my friends (commuters excepted) went to U of T :S

Trust me that I could rant further on this, but I'll put a lid on it.

I lie awake
Wrapped in blankets of infested thought
Each squirming facet wriggling
It's not that I can't sleep
It's that I can't stay awake
And I lie here
Making pictures on the ceiling
Bloody portraits in the walls
It's not that I can't sleep
It's that I can't seem to wake up
And so I huddle here
Wound in fear of remembrance
Hiding from sunrise
It's not that I can't sleep
It's that I'm not ready to face tomorrow

AJ and Mark Came Out To Play, Upon A Spider's Web One Day

Yesterday morning didn't start off so well, as I hadn't been able to get to sleep the night before, I woke up at about 10:10 (my first class having started at 10) so I panicked but made it to class by about 10:30 after staring at the clock for a good 10 minutes in disbelief lol

Anyways morning holds no importance because at night AJ and Mark came to visit! After AJ sang some opera out of my window to the quad we sauntered down to pay a visit to the LCBO, I got all decked out with the fishnets and the hooker boots and what not and AJ with her cleavage and cowboy hat and Mark with his dress shirt and tie hehe after stocking up on the booze we stocked up on the chips and delightfully festive cookies! After much pondering we paid a trip to Pizza Hut and orgasmed over the beauty that is stuffed crust.. and died laughing as AJ spiked her drink while trying to keep the liquor bottle hidden from the waiter who kept walking over in the midst. It should be known that lemon flavoured liquor does NOT mix with rootbeer lol And then back to my living room where we proceeded to get very drunk.. it had actually been a long time since I was drunk enough to have trouble walking! I remember a lot of laughing, but I don't really remember why, possibly because of the British accents we were talking with. We crashed in my room and put on Corpse Bride.. I passed out about 5 seconds into it, I think Mark made it about half way through, and AJ slept through the first bit and then watched to the end.. yes for tag-team movie watching lol I had crazy dreams that I don't remember and Mark almost died in the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Mornings don't seem to be very lucky for me.. I was awoken by my phone.. you now who you don't want to talk to when you're half asleep and hungover? Someone calling about a job interview. *Grimace* And as circumstance would have it I put my address as St. George on the cover letter but forgot to change it from my Markham address on my resume.. so she was like "so where is it you live??" lol.. "I woke you up didn't I?" They must think I'm a complete moron! :S

Anyway, we finished off the pizza and whatnot, those cookies will be ruined for me forever *sniff* Suffice to say I had a hilariously fun time and you guys are awesome :)

Now to read and read until I die (or fall asleep trying) because I'm still hundreds and hundreds of pages behind in the material I need to know for a mid-term next Wednesday! And it's a good thing I photo-copied the pages last week because the book STILL isn't in at the bookstore! And he's STILL testing us on the material from it! Son of a bitch! I'm going to fail because I don't understand a god damn thing I read about or write down! lol *sigh* Archaeology will be the death of me.

Gloriosa

If anybody wants to come see some crazy talent in action, come see TYWO's first concert of the season on Sat. Oct. 29th at 8 o'clock for $12. Ask me about it if you're interested. I do not believe you would be disappointed.

Feels good to be home in the t dot.

My parents came in my room to drop off stuff. I only realized as they were leaving that my alcohol is in plain view. They didn't say anything to me, but even if they never say anything to me, knowing that there's no way they didn't see, it all makes me feel very uncomfortable.

But, AJ is coming to visit me on Thursday, woooo! so maybe the alcohol won't be there for much longer :) And even if it is, AJ is still clearly the coolest person ever.

I can't remember if there was anything else I had wanted to say.

Darmok and Gilad at Tenagra.
Shaka when the walls fell.
Gilad on the ocean.

Sometimes you act like a child
Sometimes you feel so powerless that nothing is left of you but a quivering child without the words to express.. and when you reach out for the help you need even the person right in front of you is only looking over your shoulder.

If you know enough about me to understand those first 3 lines, I'll have sex with you all night long.

Commencement

Alright so it wasn't QUITE so bad as I thought it would be.. it was kinda awkward seeing people.. and felt really weird.. I can't really explain the weirdness.. but it was like seeing people from another life-time. I had some good chats with teachers like Mr. P, Gasteiger, Ms. Corry, Ms. More.. people that I Love, but it was still a little awakward. What was not awkward, however, was seeing the friends that I realized I actually did miss and people who actually wanted to see me.. and unlike a lot of the time when people say "call me" and I say "I'll call you", this time it was actually meant.

That chapter of my life is closed now and maybe a little twinge in me misses it.. but most of me is much happier where I am now.

MDHS Staff Award: $100
IODE History Award: $150
The Literature course award (aka. my dignity): Priceless.

That and a big Edgar Allen Poe book (that I already have thanks to Chelsea :))

Oh, and thanks to my Aunt I finally figured out what "IODE" stands for: Imperial Order of Daughters of the Empire *shrugs*

Oh yeah and either no one reads this or no one has ever used references on a resume.. and both are disappointing.. I hate all of you for not helping me.

Seeking Enslavement.. er.. Employment

For some reason lately I've been motivated to get a job, I really have no idea why, but I've been looking around. I noticed that I don't have my references saved on this computer (must be on the computer at home or something) so I'm slightly unsure of what to do if an employer asks me for them.. even if I were to get them from home, would it be for the better or the worse to give them the contact information of previous employers? The thing is, any jobs I've had have been seasonal, meaning I've only worked at them for a few weeks or a few months at time.. so it's very possible that someone would call them and ask them about me and they wouldn't remember who I was.. wouldn't that maybe reflect somewhat negatively? Is it worth putting them down anyway? If not what should I do for references? Hmm..

Anyone have any advice?

In other news, during my exploration of the "may contain traces of peanuts" world, I've come across Hostess Chocolate Cupcakes. All I can say is that if that trace of peanuts happens to show up, I will die while experiencing an orgasm. Who could ask for more?

Don't you hate how ridiculously attractive, incredibly talented people act like they're better than the rest of us?

At least it means he probably won't notice me staring.. :)

Just For Mark.

There hasn't been a whole lot to say the past few days, I'm almost better, still with the coughing and stuff though.

Been having panick attacks every time I remember how I've been too sick to practice this week.

Missing Markham Fair for the first time is not cool.

Ever tried filling a hole with emptiness? As the contradictory statement itself implies, it doesn't work very well.
I have indeed had an empty feeling inside of me for the past little while, you know that "something is missing" feeling. And, of course, I go about trying to fill it. Unfortunately in the attempt I leave myself feeling emptier than when I had begun. Ironically enough. There is no quick fix, no such thing as a "clean break" and no way to make it go away by trying to fool yourself into a substitute.

I have an unfortunate habit of saying things to myself like "I won't eat chocolate. I won't eat chocolate" and continuing to repeat this to myself as I watch myself eat chocolate and still continue to repeat this to myself as I feel bad for eating the chocolate, and then get angry at myself for not listening to myself when no real satisfaction was drawn from the eating of the chocolate. What a terrible example. For some reason the word "chocolate" is bothering me. You know how certain words just bother you? Like the word "wipe" I HATE that word. Among others.

Anyways, you know what I mean, right?

:P

If the bookstore doesn't get in my archaeology book soon I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. What with already being 3 weeks behind in the reading. Why didn't I just buy it in fucking June like everyone else seems to have lol oh right, I chose the course the day before school started.