Sinking With The Ship

Well I went to the doctors again this morning.. the blood test was negative for mono and I'm negative for strep throat.. the doctor is like 'but it has to be mono!' so she got them to take another blood test to see if its a rare kind of mono that wouldn't have shown up on the first test. Aren't there other infections out there she should test for other than strep throat and mono? Cuz it is definately an infection of some sort, my white cell count is up apparently. But they didn't know what else to give me so they gave me a perscription for T3's.

I thought that despite my debilitating illness I did pretty decently at my audition last night, but apparently they didn't agree because I didn't get in. Ron didn't either. I guess I didn't realize how tough it was going to be, I always figured that they could always just stick me in as a third in one of the lower end bands if I wasn't fantastic but no.. I didn't realize the ensemble placement was actually in competition with people who already have music as their major.

I've done a lot of crying. A lot. I really wanted to do this. Actually, the crying has made my throat feel a lot better (temporarily I'm sure). I'll try the tywo audition tomorrow but my hopes aren't high and it feels like something I don't even want to do after having wanted to do this so much. Also apparently Hart House has their own orchestra/band, so Ron and I are going to look into that as an option.

I've spent the afternoon/evening being really pessimistic, feeling the world is ending and life isn't worth living anymore. Sometimes I get into that sort of mind frame even when I'm not sick or upset about anything. I just start to question my existance and the point or meaning of us being alive. I force myself through 4 miserable years of alternating school work and summer work, I graduate and if I'm lucky I get a job, one that will probably make me feel miserable and held back for decades until I retire and am confined by my decaying body or die and it's all over. It all just seems like such a waste of time. What's the point? Why keep living, why keep letting the conveyer belt take us through when its all just so bleak. I wish I knew how to change and break away and make my life feel like its really worth living.

Sometimes I really and truely wish that I had been brought up with a religious family. If I had faith in God and Heaven inbred within me then I would have answers to the questions I ask with despair. The religious nuts will say "its not too late" but I think it is, its too late for me to honestly and purely put blind faith into spirituality.

I've also noticed that this whole frame of mind tends to be worse when I am single. Most people will find something like that very pathetic, but I think it's just who I am. I tend to be a needy person, there's no denying that, but it's just the person I turned out to be, maybe because of the way I grew up, the family I grew up in, maybe it's just in my nature. But, I really do a lot better when I have a special someone to take care of me and reassure me and hold my hand through all the tough spots. (Yes, I know, I even tell myself that that's pathetic and that I should learn to rely on myself and only on myself but I can't help always coming back to the conclusion that right now it's just the way I am). It leads me to feel very lonely at times like now, when my whole world seems to be crashing down around me and I reach out for a hand to grab and then remember that there isn't one. Not where I can reach it anyway.

Since this music business I've just been wanting to run, run far and run fast and run away from all of this. I don't want to be here anymore, I want to rewind and start grade 12 again and do it all differently so that there would be different doors open for me right now. The worst part about wanting to run is knowing that I can't, none of us can really ever get off this conveyer belt. So I'll stay on it and hope for my attitude to transform into one of ignorant acceptance. Ignorance is bliss after all.

My problem is that I need everything to be very planned and organized, it helps me feel secure. Like, I was a fiend this summer planning my courses and my courses over the next 4 years and how everything was going to go. But it wasn't in the plan that I wouldn't get into music. That throws off my whole plan. And subsequently throws off my whole state of being. Just gotta re-adjust. Just gotta listen to wes when he says that everything will turn out alright. Just gotta believe it. Just gotta make myself believe it.

Anyways, my phone will be activated on Sunday, I'll put up the # at that time.

It has really really sucked to be stuck in my room for the past 4 or so days.. I can hear all the fun stuff going on outside, it's been such a beautiful week.. I've missed all the awesome frosh stuff (down the drain is the money I paid for it lol). Today was the SAC concert or what ever, its open to all of U of T, they had Sloan playing in the varisty field just down the road. I could hear through my window. I heard them play "if it feels good do it" which is an awesome song, made me wish I could be there with all the other kids watching them.

What awful luck eh. For the past year or so I've been telling myself "the universe will balance out, all this bad shit will be compensated for a bunch of good luck that will happen soon" but the more bad luck I have, the more pessimistic I get and the harder it gets to try and believe that.

It's all about being optimistic. Something I need to work on.