Hurts less to be kicked if you're already down

What a frustrating world it is.

First off I'll say I'm feeling a lot better today. Not entirely better, but better. My mind is clearer and I actually feel able to move of my own accord.

So I knew right away this morning when I pulled out the instrument that it wasn't going to go well. Although I thought it sounded fine on Thursday, the way I sounded today completely reflected how this past week has been.

I managed to take the subway there and back all alone for the first time ever! yay! I encountered the one other MDHS kid there, which was nice (also nice that some of the Markham people I wouldn't want to see weren't there, though there aren't many I wouldn't want to see). Oh, I saw Goldie as well, and who's surprised that she was crying about something or other? I don't think I'd recognize her without a contorted tearful face. But I'm being mean, and I shouldn't be. My audition went terrible, right off the bat I was thrown off by the acoustics, and I won't break it down for you but suffice to say I was terrible. After being really sick for a week, I played like I'd been really sick for a week, and it's very disappointing.

There are maybe 10 or less spots for clarinets... over 30 auditioned.. yep.. after the performance I gave there's no chance I got in. None whatsoever.

To add insult to injury, the bad photocopying prevented the brackets on the excerpts from showing up clearly, so basically I learned about 5 times more music than I actually needed to for the audition.. the tough stuff too. But the guy said I could play the whole thing if I wanted, so I did, and he said afterwards that he was really glad I did, which was really nice of him, cuz there's no doubt that I'm cut.

I'm not all that upset. Probably because I massively got all of my being upset/depressed out yesterday, so there's none left today.

It's just very very.. very frustrating that I put so many months and so much hard work and effort into this, practicing every day if possible over the summer, to have it all be for nothing because the one week of my auditions I was sick and played like crap because of it. Very frustrating. Just as frustrating as how I worked my ass off in grade 12 to get all 90's and then never ended up getting any scholarships or awards or anything.

I'm just very bitter and resentful of the fact that no matter how hard I try I'm still just never quite good enough or circumstance manages to screw me over anyway.

A crazy homeless guy told me to have a nice day. It made me smile. Little things like that actually have a considerable impact on me. You enriched english folk remember my ISP presentation? It's so true that a little really goes a long way when it comes to making people feel good.

I brought the wrong cord with the camera so I can't put pictures up yet, but soon I will, and I will tell about the insanity that is frosh week in Toronto.

Ha I gotta say I'm finding it very amusing that we've been here less than a week and already one of my suitemates boyfriends is saying to another suitemates boyfriend "I'll see you tomorrow man". They already own the place, they're here so often lol but it's ok, they're both really nice guys (it just makes those us who don't have boyfriends here all the time slightly bitter. Like another of my suitemates has her long-term boyfriend going to school in Ottawa.. s'gotta be pretty tough for her.