Welcome To My Shop, Let Me Cut Your Mop

Uuuuggh so guess who's sick again? A delightful cold virus this time doing its job to make me miserable..

So apparently, as far as commencement awards go, I won a "staff award" and the "IODE history award" I have no idea what either of them involve, what I win or how I won it.. not a clue what IODE stands for! But.. yay! Maybe they'll give me money! Probably not. But wouldn't that be sweet!

First rehearsal of the symph. band was tonight- I'm sitting in the first row, second person in! How fucking sweet is that! Oh to play 1st, my heart is content :)

Sooo.. who has seen the Bugs Bunny episode where Bugs is a Barber and it's with Elmer Fudd and stuff? Well one of the songs we did was the Barber of Seville and I looked at it n was like "wtf is this" but then we started playing.. and I just laughed and laughed because that's what they play in the episode of Bugs Bunny!!!! And it was all I could picture and I got the guy next to me laughing too and it was just crazy. I forsee some good times lol

The Simple Complications

So I was walking the other day past a very tall tree going up the side of a large house and a squirrel was closely chasing another squirrel, a very furious chase, involving jumping from branch to branch, and somewhere near the top, I guess they didn't quite make it because I watched them fly through the air and heard the thump as they hit the top of the dumpster 3 stories below.

I had the last of 4 auditions today, no more until next summer as far as I know.. thank god. Tonights was one I went to just for the sake of getting audition experience since the group is at a calibre way over my head, and it was a good experience: both the adjudicator and I laughed over how much I suck at sight-reading lol who the fuck uses part of a tchaikovsky symphony as a sight-read audition, the time signature was 9/8 or something fucked like that, I failed pretty miserably lol but I didn't feel bad about it, cuz like I said, it was just for the experience and the guy laughed with me.

Last night "classy night" took place at the Dickson household, we all met up back in Markham. And by "we all" I mean those who us who didn't ditch us :) It kinda flopped, Mark showed up in his torn jeans :P and no one really drank (so now I have a nice little stash here with me lol) but I will say, Jamie, the cake you made for Alex was clearly excellent. Or maybe it just caught me in the right mood, but it was awesome. Nice to see y'all anyhow.

As far as it goes with boys, it always seems to be a process of looking back and recognizing where things went wrong, what the signs were, where it should have ended.. and then a matter of recognizing the signs in future and using the opportunity to get away before things totally go to hell.. and there's a particular sign that I've noticed in past. Well, tonight I saw that sign. (And it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign. tee hee). And now I need to figure out what to make of it. Cuz clearly logic states that if we've reached this point that signifies things going to hell, I should get out before it gets worse, but it's so hard to let logic be the master over your emotions. It's hard but at the same time, as much I hate it, its pretty clear that I need to put this (you?) behind me. I don't think things can ever be the same again. Maybe they can be? I wish they could be, I don't want to let go of how happy you made me for a while. Maybe its different for everyone in the beginning.

I need to get organized, pull myself together.

Dance with me darling, show them that it's not true

I don't want to go to commencement. My mom got tickets for my whole family. How embarrassing. Such a stupid pointless ritual filled with people that I, for the most part, don't particularly want to see.

I'm so filled with "I just don't know" right now, about more than one person and about more than one thing. I hate it. I hate the consequent emptiness and aloneness, I hate being the only one amongst my suitemates who doesn't have a guy.

Always the angst, eh? Oh to be a typical teenager, does it all change when you turn 20?

Anyways, it's a brand new week, we'll see of what dreams may come.

En"lightening" experience

So I've no doubt that anybody who actually reads this is sick to death of me talking about music.. but, well.. what else should one write about if not their passions?

So, although I slept through symphonic band on Tuesday (meh) I went to the last open rehearsal of the orchestra tonight.. now, while last week I was overwhelmed by the experience of playing with a sea of strings for the first time, this time I was overwhelmed by the guys sitting next to me. Overwhelmed as in *jesus christ you can sure play the hell out of that thing* Anyone who can sight read a 1st clarinet solo and sound like they were born playing it (like the guy next to me) deserves to have a goat sacrificed in their name. He's 21, he took an orchestra course at Juliard. Kind of explains the jaw dropping awesomeness doesn't it?

The sound was slightly less impressive because we didn't play in the Great Hall again, but.. but the conductor has his back to windows.. and its like the 3rd floor so you looked straight out and just saw sky.. and it's U of T so the architecture is still old and fancy.. and so.. the violins are screeching away and the tension is building in the strings and the conductor is going on like you'd see the conductor on Bugs Bunny and Tweety going, all over-exaggerated, and all you see are these crazy ass forks of lightening streaming out behind the conductor and there's all this crazy rumbling of thunder. It was the pretty damn cool, and it completely complemented what we were playing. Pathetic fallacy much eh, the heavens were so moved by the music that they just couldn't help but play along :)
---> you loved that pun in the title didn't you

Ever heard anyone joke about "making love to the music"? Well, if anyone's ever done it, the guy conducting was. The movements strained with the exertion, sweat and gritted teeth, an expression of effort and joy and determination. It was slightly amusing but quite impressive.. I've never seen a conductor so emotionally involved with (sight read!) his music.

Everyone and their cousins and their kitchen sink has an A clarinet except for me! Or even an Eb clarinet as well! I was the only clarinet (there were only 5-6 of us tonight) that didn't have an A clarinet with me alongside the Bb.. So, wouldn't you know that the majority of the music we played tonight was in A, not Bb.. well actually I did a LOT better tonight at transposing while sight reading.. It actually started making sense that I need to drop all the notes a semi-tone and also take into account the key signature and drop the notes according to what they were made by the key signature! lol I actually sight read a lot of it tonight in A, I was very very pleased with myself.. it means I actually AM capable of learning and improving such alien things. Hell, a few times I even starting transposing and getting it right without thinking about it.. not a lot of times mind you, but it did start to happen :D

You know what rocks? When people think I'm older than I am haha the guy to my left guessed me as 19 and the girl to my right thought I was a graduate student tee hee :)

Climb up the water spout

Wouldn't you suppose that even a creature with a brain so small as that of a spider would, even off instinct alone, come to some sort of understanding that the monstrously gigantic moving mass of heat means *danger, run away*? It seems pretty basic.. even for an arachnid.. and yet they obliviously crawl onto people and right in front of people and etc, etc.. perhaps they lack the awareness that other beings even exist? Perhaps to a spider, there is no other intelligent life and the giant warm masses are as the weather. Perhaps WE are the spiders, so wrapped up in our own self-awareness that we fail to see the incomprehensibly larger beings waiting to crush us if we wander into their path.

I wish I had more control over my responses and reactions and thoughts and feelings concerning certain stimuli.. I manage to be so self-destructive with my thought processes simply because I'm so damn sensitive to things that people say (or do).. especially (obviously) concerning people I care a lot for.

I let things hit me so hard and get to me and eat away at me and I always take things personally and take things to mean the worst.

It's frustrating to know one's faults as such but still feel unable to do anything about them.

I wish you could just give me what I need so none of that would matter.

But that's not the right way to approach anything in life. Only I am responsible for Me.

And Don't You Forget It

"Find a dream that will need a love you can give, every day of your life for as long as you live"

"Everyone has dreams but life has a way of making us forget what they are"

"Accept it for what it is and enjoy the absurdity of it"

"Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life"

Lovin' The Big Black Man..

So I went home last night for some family birthday celebration stuff.. and remembered that I had forgotten to remove some of the summer's liquor bottles from my room.. so I thought I had better do that right away.. but guess what, my mom's cleaned out my whole room.. the bottles are no longer in the hiding spot where I left them.. ha..
Those of you know what a spazz my mother is will be just as shocked as I am to hear that neither parent has said a word to me about them.. not even any implication.. I can't believe it.. it's very unlike my parents to let something like that slide.. but it suits me just fine lol
Ironically enough, they DID ask me about the home-made bong they found under a cushion in the basement (its ironic because its not mine or any of my friends' lol)

Got a cheque in the mail for a $1000 from a scholarship through my Dad's work.. I think they kinda had to give me something since my dad's been working there since forever hehe well it's not a lot but it's sure as a hell better than nothing!

Today was the first TYWO rehearsal.. wow.. alright, for about the first 10 minutes it was a huge kick in the ass to be playing 3rd after having been playing 1st since.. well always. BUT. A few things changed that:
1. I noticed that with what we're playing, even the 3rd part is pretty crazy ass hard.
2. I noticed that (at least as far as sight reading goes) the other 3rds are better than I am.. you'd think this might be negative but I actually see it as positive because if I was better than them, I would grumble about being stuck on 3rd, but since they are awesome, it makes me feel like I am where I should be.
3. Colin told us that tons of people who didn't make the cut have been calling in and complaining and getting their teachers to call and bitch, and one person apparently even showed up with their instrument and tried to get in on it that way lol
4. At the end when I started introducing myself to the clarinets, I noticed that most of them.. actually all of them except for one guy, are older than me.. and most of the ensemble in fact is in their 20's..

So while it IS a shot my pride to see "3rd clarinet" written on my parts, I feel privileged as HELL to have been chosen to play with these people.

The pace is crazy, we charged full speed ahead and while I can play all the notes and I can move my fingers as fast as required, I can't do both at the same time yet lol this is gonna take a lot of my time and a lot of my effort but damn is it gonna be worth it when we tour New York and are the first Canadian youth ensemble to ever play there on the main stage (we're on the same program as the US national youth orchestra.. NATIONAL) hehe thats gonna be awesome.

It kinda sucks to go from being a big fish in a small pond to a small fish in the big ocean.. but *swallows pride and enjoys the swim*

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG! TYWO IS GONNA BE PLAYING ARMENIAN DANCES AND OVERTURE TO CANDIDE AND RIDE!!! AAAHH!!!! IT'S GONNA BE SO DAMN FRUSTRATING TO (PROBABLY) NOT PLAY THE 1ST PART WHEN I KNOW THE 1ST PARTS LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND FROM HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!

Oh man.. I can only assume I won't be on first and its gonna be so frustrating to know the pieces so well straight off but not be able to play the parts I've come to know as mine *bites knuckle*

Mmmmmmm..

I know, I've been posting too much, people don't want to do so much reading.. but I can't help it because two aaamaaazzzing events took place today.

We'll start with the lesser.. my walls have been looking quite barren.. so I went to the poster sale in the med. sci. building and bought 6 absolutely bbbeeeaauutiful poster/pics.. I'll post some pics of them when I figure out how the recharge the digital camera.. but some include Monet's 'san giorgio maggiore by twilight', Van Gogh's cafe terrace at night, a gorgeous caribbean sunset, a couple more modernistic abstract works, and one called 'messengers of spirit' that shows the heads of horses kind of combined with architecture..

sooooooooooooooooo bbbeeaaauutiifffulll.. if they don't fill my walls I'll go back and buy more tomorrow

But more importantly tonight I sat in with the hart house orchestra.. I had never played with an orchestra before..

oh
my
god

It felt.. absolutely incredible.. how can I even explain it to you.. alright, well those of you who know me well know that I tend to be quite competitive, especially when it comes to music.. well I know that after the last open rehearsal next week I won't get to play with them again.. and.. it doesn't even matter to me because it felt so good to just be a part of it while I had the chance.

It was definately a learning experience, I had no idea that orchestras only had 2-4 clarinets, and I had no idea that a lot of the parts are for A clarinet not Bb clarinet.. I don't have an A clarinet.. so those of us who didn't have one had to try and transpose while we sight read for one of the pieces.. it was RIDICULOUS.. but it was a learning experience.. every once and a while when I'd manage to transpose a few bars in a row at once, the resolution felt (whats another word for life-changingly good?) haha the guy next to me was a first year music major.. he just impressed the socks off of me, transposing fast rhythms on the spot.. sooo amazing.

Well, I signed up for an audition, but I know its kind of silly to bother, cuz they'll choose 4 out of probably over 12 of us, and at least 4 of the clarinets there tonight have been playing for almost as long as I've been alive. So there's no chance in hell I'll be in the orchestra.. but man.. is the experience ever worth it. It feels so good to be challenged by the music but still really enjoy what you're doing. To be surrounded by such beauty. The strings.. are just absolutely breathtaking, you just get lost inside the music, are consumed by this wonderous combine of talent and harmony.. and the resonance in the Great Hall.. my..

I vow here and now, that one day, maybe not any day soon, I will play in a full orchestra.. I will experience these feelings again and will be able to call myself a part of them

I heart you music

Looking forward to playing with TYWO on Sunday, after playing alone all summer I didn't realize how much I missed being part of an ensemble

Welcome to Toronto

So last night I had my first night out in the city (since being sick prevented me from doing so last week) I met up with Paul (not the same Paul who put my harddrive in, a different one) and we wandered around on Bloor and then wandered down Young to Queen street and we passed by where he works and a couple of his friends were just closing up so we went to some bar/patio (its after midnight by now) and they order a couple of pitchers of Canadian (Paul is almost 22, the others guys I believe were 19 and 25) but I had mentioned earlier that beer was gross so they were like 'wait, what did you want?' and the waiter was like 'oh sorry, was Canadian alright by you?' and I just kind of blinked at them and said it was fine.. I gotta say.. what an amusing feeling it is to have a waiter bring over 4 glasses and pour beer for me haha itz pretty damn awesome for it to be assumed that I'm of age! And we know I'm a cheap drunk (or I know it anyway) so by the time we left I was spinning and one of them pulls out a joint and passes it around as we were walking (say no to free weed when already drunk? yeah right) Paul made sure I got home alright and I gotta say, drunk and a bit stoned, I was feeling REALLY damn good by the time I made it to my room around 2 am.. cuz fuck, I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT PARENTS OR HOW LATE I GET HOME ANYMORE! WWWOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Ha.. drinking downtown past midnight with 3 older guys I don't really know.. this is the life.. finally experiencing some of the stereotypical uni. life! :) oh, and my first time being served alcohol without being asked for ID (though, Ive never been asked for ID because Ive never tried drinking in public before lol)


AAAnnnyways.. the archaeology course is looking to be tough, right when I walked in I was like *ddamn this sure isn't a first year course* cuz everyone was blatantly older than me. The lecture was a bit confusing and tough to follow. Though I'm finding the lectures in general a lot tougher to follow than in high school.. in high school they just seemed a lot more structured and easily laid out so you always knew what the teacher was talking about.. not anymore.

And I was complaining about english being expensive... oh shit guys, this archaeology course, over $300 so far and I still don't have all of the books :S It's really pissing me off how the prof will list the book as "recommended" and then have all the required readings come from the "recommended" books.. so if thats where all the readings come from WHY ISNT THE BOOK REQUIRED OR EVEN AT THE STORE? Its really bothering me that the "recommended" books I actually need to do my readings from aren't in at any of the stores yet. It makes me nervous.

Music hist./culture isn't really what I expected it to be, apparently the basis of it is critical listening (the textbook came with 6 cds full of music) and critical analysis of the music itself.. oh god Mr Caswell's grade 10 music class all over again *ick* We'll see how that goes.

Anyways, checking out the orchestra tonight with Ron; Amber is here right now chillin cuz we have history together and then she has nothing to do all afternoon until she has class again.

If you read this, comment, I want to have an idea of who reads this, or if there is anyone who reads this who doesn't comment. Cuz if it gets to the point where only the same couple of people are commenting (and thus in my mind are the only people reading this) I'll probably just shut it down.

The Silver Lining

OOOMMMGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Before I continue I'll say that I got a call from the doctor just now and apparently the second blood test did come out positive for mono.. thank god it was a mild strain or something cuz I'm feeling back to tip-top shape, still just a little more drained than usual)

So I told you about how my TYWO audition went like crap (except for that one part when I played the whole piece instead of the excerpt and the guy said he was glad because it was hard and not many people did it.. well..) and how there'd be only like 10 or so spots for over 30?? WELL SOMEHOW I MADE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Go here www.tywo.ca and go to "the musicians" and LOOK AT MY NAME!!!!!!!!! Do it just to make me happy. hehehehe!!!!!!!!!!!! *ah* what a nice surprise, I really didn't think I would.

So my classes have been going well- the seminar has about 25 people with a prof. who talks like he's gonna make the class a lot of fun.. querky guy, would just point at people and be like "WHAT DID YOU DO BEFORE GOING TO BED LAST NIGHT" just to get people interacting and put them on the spot lol. English looks like its gonna be alright, prof looks decent, but lots of people sitting for 3 hours looks to be a bit uncomfortable.. history I have with Amber which automatically makes it a lot of fun but the prof. is gonna put me to sleep.. already I found myself not paying attention. The last 2 classes we still have to yet to find out how they'll be.

The line ups for books are ridiculous and english looks like it was an expensive program to choose.. on top of the $45 course reader, it cost over $130 for 8 novels (its because of tiny little thin paperbacks by people like Freud that cost $25.. damn you Freud) and there's still more to be bought for the same course later in the year. BUT actually, its not my money, so I mind the line-ups more than the cost lol.

Ron and I went to the open rehearsal for the h.h. symphonic band last night, it was decent, but more clarinets than ANY other instrument.. geez, though I didn't feel very challenged by those to my left and right.. those behind me were alumni that had graduated over 4 years ago.. (though while some pose a challenge, some sound like they haven't played much over the years lol) So I signed up for an audition which is not this Sat. but the next, we'll see how it goes.

And Thursday night we're gonna go check out the open rehearsal for the Orchestra and probably sign up for auditions for that too.. but now I'm a bit comflicted, cuz I was planning to do both the Band and the Orchestra if possible.. because I really didn't think I made it into TYWO.. but now that I have.. I don't think I can handle all 3, so I'll have to end up choosing between the band and the orchestra.. should I do that right away or try doing all 3 then drop out of one? (I'd feel bad doing that.. well we'll see how it goes on Thurs.)

I can't believe I got into TYWO lol the guy must have seen potential or something and not just judged me for the face value of my playing.. which is exactly how auditioning should be done..!

I'm really excited to have Colin Clarke conducting me

:)

Sometimes I Wonder.

Finally.. PICTURES! :D Excuse the mess, I'm not entirely unpacked and I'm certainly not organized yet.


My suitemates from left to right: Sarah, Sacha, Kei, Me, Kyle and Tatjana (Kyle being Tatjana's boyfriend, but he's around more than some of us are so I thought he should be in the picture lol)


My bedroom as seen from the doorway (in all its messy glory)


The left side of the bedroom.


The far right corner.


Ze bed.


Our kitchen and the entrance to our abode.


Our little living room.. you can see into everyone elses little living rooms, its kinda cool.


The hall leading from the kitchen/living room to the bedrooms (mine to the immediate left, bathrooms on the right, storage closet to the far right, and the other bedrooms down the hall to the left and right)


Brief glimpse into one of the bathrooms, just gotta show it cuz its so sanitary compared to some of the public type washrooms some of you guys get stuck with.


Here is Paul putting in my new harddrive or generally making my computer happy (I heart you Paul)


Do you know who this is? Bad pic but.. IT'S DR. SUE FROM THE SUNDAY NIGHT SEX SHOW! OMFG! I went to see her do a 2 hour presentation Tues. night at Con. Hall.. I lllloove her, she's so funny.. I was too nausious (since I was sick all week) the whole time to really enjoy it.. but she's so cool, and it was awesome to be so close to her in person after watching her on tv for years lol!

------------------------------------------------------------

So yeah, that's my photo tour! My parents dropped by this afternoon to drop off some shit for me, and the Paul came to visit to put in the harddrive and install my printer and do geeky things that I can't manage for myself lol and then I dragged him out to help me find the buildings my classes are in and went to Pizza Pizza and whatnot..
Me: eat the ugly fry
Paul: *eats the ugly fry*
Me: how is it?
Paul: it's like the ugly duckling
Me: it's turning into a swan??
Paul: no- *cut off by my insane, nonsensical and extremely prolonged laughter*

haha that was so good.. and then checked out the 24 hour Dominion and another place just to have a look, gets me all excited, all the pretty colours and things lol really nice to have you here Paul, first visitor here! (though wes takes the cake for being the first to call: somewhere between 10 and 11 this morning like 5 min after I'd actually gotten the phone jack hooked up lol) But, yeah, I've been gettin a little lonely cuz it seems like my other roomies all have their boyfriends here with them or friends or what ever, people they hang out with that they already know here and I'm all awone *tear* I was hit with a pang of emptiness when Paul split for the subway, but thankfully Tanya and Kyle were in the room so I chatted with them for a while and felt better.

You manage to be so inadvertantly proficient at making me feel inconsequential. So unimportant and insignificant. I don't think you read this. I know you don't mean it.. but my god do you make me feel unworthy of existence sometimes.

Holy shit, CLASS STARTS TOMORROW (technically today) it feels like such a shock.. like "I'm gonna be sitting in a university class/lecture tomorrow.... WWWWAATT?????" this week has been so chill that it doesn't feel right that there should be classes tomorrow lol I'm too mixed about the thought of classes to tell you how I feel about it

A course is a course.. of course, of course

Though it would be better if a horse was a course instead. Wouldn't that be sweet if there was a course that related to horses. I'd own.

Anyways, I finally found a 5th credit to add (since I can't do music) that actually has space left in it! And that would be "NMC260- archaeology of the ancient near east" the description of which actually sounds reasonably interesting to me. What I really wanted to do was a classics course (preferably in mythology) or a different NMC course about the middle east or something cool like that but it either wouldn't fit into my time table right or they are half courses and only one of the half components fit into my timetable, and in general the idea of getting into a course after classes have already started makes me uncomfortable. I'll dabble with that in my upper years and take those courses later.

But as it stands, here is my timetable and my crazy awesome variety of courses (cuz thats what a first year BA is all about, right!?):

English- "narrative": Mon 6-9
History- "making the americas": Tues and Thurs 12-1 (tutorial to be added later)
Music Hist- "intro to music culture" (becomes "survey of western music" second semester): Thurs 10-12
Social Science seminar- "digital culture": Mon 1-3
Near & Middle Eastern Civ.- "archaeology of the ancient near east": Wed 6-8


**henceforth: phone in my res. room: (416) 340-1376**
Give me a ring a ding ding!!!!!!!

And now my dears.. off to eat, go through coupons, and watch star trek tng :)

Hurts less to be kicked if you're already down

What a frustrating world it is.

First off I'll say I'm feeling a lot better today. Not entirely better, but better. My mind is clearer and I actually feel able to move of my own accord.

So I knew right away this morning when I pulled out the instrument that it wasn't going to go well. Although I thought it sounded fine on Thursday, the way I sounded today completely reflected how this past week has been.

I managed to take the subway there and back all alone for the first time ever! yay! I encountered the one other MDHS kid there, which was nice (also nice that some of the Markham people I wouldn't want to see weren't there, though there aren't many I wouldn't want to see). Oh, I saw Goldie as well, and who's surprised that she was crying about something or other? I don't think I'd recognize her without a contorted tearful face. But I'm being mean, and I shouldn't be. My audition went terrible, right off the bat I was thrown off by the acoustics, and I won't break it down for you but suffice to say I was terrible. After being really sick for a week, I played like I'd been really sick for a week, and it's very disappointing.

There are maybe 10 or less spots for clarinets... over 30 auditioned.. yep.. after the performance I gave there's no chance I got in. None whatsoever.

To add insult to injury, the bad photocopying prevented the brackets on the excerpts from showing up clearly, so basically I learned about 5 times more music than I actually needed to for the audition.. the tough stuff too. But the guy said I could play the whole thing if I wanted, so I did, and he said afterwards that he was really glad I did, which was really nice of him, cuz there's no doubt that I'm cut.

I'm not all that upset. Probably because I massively got all of my being upset/depressed out yesterday, so there's none left today.

It's just very very.. very frustrating that I put so many months and so much hard work and effort into this, practicing every day if possible over the summer, to have it all be for nothing because the one week of my auditions I was sick and played like crap because of it. Very frustrating. Just as frustrating as how I worked my ass off in grade 12 to get all 90's and then never ended up getting any scholarships or awards or anything.

I'm just very bitter and resentful of the fact that no matter how hard I try I'm still just never quite good enough or circumstance manages to screw me over anyway.

A crazy homeless guy told me to have a nice day. It made me smile. Little things like that actually have a considerable impact on me. You enriched english folk remember my ISP presentation? It's so true that a little really goes a long way when it comes to making people feel good.

I brought the wrong cord with the camera so I can't put pictures up yet, but soon I will, and I will tell about the insanity that is frosh week in Toronto.

Ha I gotta say I'm finding it very amusing that we've been here less than a week and already one of my suitemates boyfriends is saying to another suitemates boyfriend "I'll see you tomorrow man". They already own the place, they're here so often lol but it's ok, they're both really nice guys (it just makes those us who don't have boyfriends here all the time slightly bitter. Like another of my suitemates has her long-term boyfriend going to school in Ottawa.. s'gotta be pretty tough for her.

Mmm..

Just gotta say: some booze, some dill pickle popcorn and a card game with the roomies (+ one of their bfs) and the world feels like a much happier place lol.

Sinking With The Ship

Well I went to the doctors again this morning.. the blood test was negative for mono and I'm negative for strep throat.. the doctor is like 'but it has to be mono!' so she got them to take another blood test to see if its a rare kind of mono that wouldn't have shown up on the first test. Aren't there other infections out there she should test for other than strep throat and mono? Cuz it is definately an infection of some sort, my white cell count is up apparently. But they didn't know what else to give me so they gave me a perscription for T3's.

I thought that despite my debilitating illness I did pretty decently at my audition last night, but apparently they didn't agree because I didn't get in. Ron didn't either. I guess I didn't realize how tough it was going to be, I always figured that they could always just stick me in as a third in one of the lower end bands if I wasn't fantastic but no.. I didn't realize the ensemble placement was actually in competition with people who already have music as their major.

I've done a lot of crying. A lot. I really wanted to do this. Actually, the crying has made my throat feel a lot better (temporarily I'm sure). I'll try the tywo audition tomorrow but my hopes aren't high and it feels like something I don't even want to do after having wanted to do this so much. Also apparently Hart House has their own orchestra/band, so Ron and I are going to look into that as an option.

I've spent the afternoon/evening being really pessimistic, feeling the world is ending and life isn't worth living anymore. Sometimes I get into that sort of mind frame even when I'm not sick or upset about anything. I just start to question my existance and the point or meaning of us being alive. I force myself through 4 miserable years of alternating school work and summer work, I graduate and if I'm lucky I get a job, one that will probably make me feel miserable and held back for decades until I retire and am confined by my decaying body or die and it's all over. It all just seems like such a waste of time. What's the point? Why keep living, why keep letting the conveyer belt take us through when its all just so bleak. I wish I knew how to change and break away and make my life feel like its really worth living.

Sometimes I really and truely wish that I had been brought up with a religious family. If I had faith in God and Heaven inbred within me then I would have answers to the questions I ask with despair. The religious nuts will say "its not too late" but I think it is, its too late for me to honestly and purely put blind faith into spirituality.

I've also noticed that this whole frame of mind tends to be worse when I am single. Most people will find something like that very pathetic, but I think it's just who I am. I tend to be a needy person, there's no denying that, but it's just the person I turned out to be, maybe because of the way I grew up, the family I grew up in, maybe it's just in my nature. But, I really do a lot better when I have a special someone to take care of me and reassure me and hold my hand through all the tough spots. (Yes, I know, I even tell myself that that's pathetic and that I should learn to rely on myself and only on myself but I can't help always coming back to the conclusion that right now it's just the way I am). It leads me to feel very lonely at times like now, when my whole world seems to be crashing down around me and I reach out for a hand to grab and then remember that there isn't one. Not where I can reach it anyway.

Since this music business I've just been wanting to run, run far and run fast and run away from all of this. I don't want to be here anymore, I want to rewind and start grade 12 again and do it all differently so that there would be different doors open for me right now. The worst part about wanting to run is knowing that I can't, none of us can really ever get off this conveyer belt. So I'll stay on it and hope for my attitude to transform into one of ignorant acceptance. Ignorance is bliss after all.

My problem is that I need everything to be very planned and organized, it helps me feel secure. Like, I was a fiend this summer planning my courses and my courses over the next 4 years and how everything was going to go. But it wasn't in the plan that I wouldn't get into music. That throws off my whole plan. And subsequently throws off my whole state of being. Just gotta re-adjust. Just gotta listen to wes when he says that everything will turn out alright. Just gotta believe it. Just gotta make myself believe it.

Anyways, my phone will be activated on Sunday, I'll put up the # at that time.

It has really really sucked to be stuck in my room for the past 4 or so days.. I can hear all the fun stuff going on outside, it's been such a beautiful week.. I've missed all the awesome frosh stuff (down the drain is the money I paid for it lol). Today was the SAC concert or what ever, its open to all of U of T, they had Sloan playing in the varisty field just down the road. I could hear through my window. I heard them play "if it feels good do it" which is an awesome song, made me wish I could be there with all the other kids watching them.

What awful luck eh. For the past year or so I've been telling myself "the universe will balance out, all this bad shit will be compensated for a bunch of good luck that will happen soon" but the more bad luck I have, the more pessimistic I get and the harder it gets to try and believe that.

It's all about being optimistic. Something I need to work on.

Here we go again

On another day I'll post pictures for you and talk about the move-in and what's been going on but now I'll I'm going to say is how much stuff sucks right now..

My throat has been getting progressively worse over the past 7 days and I've been nausious for the past 24 hours.. I waited in the health clinic for 3 hours until a doctor could see me (had some nice dry heaves while I was waiting, I'm not sure how many of you know what I'm like when it comes to throwing up, it terrifies me) and when I finally saw the doctor she said what the doctor said when I had throat problems a few weeks ago "its either strep throat or mono" so she took a blood test and throat swab and gave me a perscription for a rinse (which never works because I can never gargle it low enough in my throat for it to hit the right spot) and I had to make an appointment to go back on Friday.

I slept all afternoon, I couldn't go to any of my frosh stuff today.. and I missed most of it yesterday.. and I'll miss it all tomorrow.. this fucking sucks.

If my not feeling well/my throat being a bitch intereferes with my audition tomorrow night, my life is over as we know it. The doctor said it'd probably get worse before it got better.

Argh.

So Many Questions Left Unanswered..

I move in to residence tomorrow.. tomorrow! Which seems a little odd because I started counting down the days in my msn name 250 somewhat days ago.. and now its finally down to one. Good gracious. I'm not excited, not at all, it's too much hassle, all the packing and unpacking and the having to get stuff set up like the computer and a phone line and then having 2 auditions to do (and practice for) during my first week there.. once I'm all nice and settled in then there will be time for being excited about moving in.

Never being able to sleep at night makes me want to jump naked and screaming off of a cliff. Well not naked, and not off a cliff, but you know, the jumping and screaming. Actually not the jumping either since it takes too much energy to jump after having not slept. And.. not the screaming because my throat's been hurting a little bit and I don't want to encourage it. But well, er, you know what I mean.

Ever had to end something before it ever really had a chance to take off? You wonder what it could have turned into, what would have become of it. But you never have the chance to find out; like clipping the wings of a bird before he ever knows what it feels like to fly. Ok, that's a bit of a bad analogy because animals are stupid and a bird probably would never know it could fly if it never had the chance and thus wouldn't wonder what it would have been like if he could. Well anyways, I guess you never know how things will turn out around the bend regardless. Maybe the bird will learn to fly a plane and laugh at all the sucker birds still wasting their own energy flying. There's another metaphor I should be shot for lol what with wings probably being better and birds not being self-aware and all. But you know what I mean.

Ah well, it was a good summer I reckon, despite my having not really gone anywhere, some good memories all the same.. like our hardcore Niagra Falls roadtrip! And on my "birthday" having a 3rd session with Jamie at like 4 in the morning inside his neighbour's bush! ("the blue dragon was coming out of Mark's mouth!" bahahaha soooooo good). Wow, and all the times I snuck out of my house this summer in the middle of the night and never got caught. I'm pro with a capital P.

Oh God, it's like quarter to midnight and I still haven't really packed.. maybe I should go get on that now.